COLUMN: Our state of the nation address shows we care

2016-02-11 06:00
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laughing lunga adam

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Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed members of the community, kings and vagabonds, young and old, and the rest who take pride in calling these streets their abode, I greet you all.

This Thursday, I stand before you to deliver my inaugural State of the Community address. One might feel a strong urge to ask: Just in what state is our community? Not in the worst of states, mind you, yet not in the best either.

Take for example the issue of relationships, where the old has become the new and vice versa, depending on the age group and gender.

In the last couple of years, we have come to witness romantic relationships that have come with the tags: ‘sugar daddy’ and ‘Ben 10’.

While some revel in these, as a community, these have at times sent shivers down our spines. Imagine a sexual relationship between a teenage girl and a 40-year-old man; nauseating indeed.

As a means to discourage these toxic affairs, we ought to come up with stringent measures to put an end to this popular scourge.

From March, anyone who catches a whisper of a relationship where the age gap is so wide you can park a truck, is urged to report it to the nearest powers-that-be.

From thence, our task force will take the suspected parties in for interrogation. The man will need to provide an affidavit, signed by his offspring, and wife- where applicable-to confirm the affair, after which the relationship can be allowed to continue.

Likewise, if such a relationship was to die and the man falls in love with another young girl, the same procedure will need to be followed. This, amongst other reasons, is to ensure harmony, a levelling of the playing fields and to prevent a situation where one party may suddenly be left in the lurch.

These fuddy-duddies will learn to take responsibility for their actions and actually think twice before becoming sugar daddies wily-nily.

In the case of the sugar daddy dating a young high school or varsity student, strict measures shall also come into effect. He has to produce his payslip and declare the amount that shall be going to his young lover every month.

It’s paying for the damages, sort of. Furthermore, the girl’s parents will have to approve of the relationship and are within their rights to receive certain privileges from the man, like providing for them should they so demand. This should be considered as some kind of punishment for dating a young girl.

We have also noted that the year is always a long one for the lonely at heart; those referred to as “izishumane”.

The incessant heat wave might have offered them a reprieve, but winter beckons and, oh, poor souls. As a community, we should hang our heads in shame that some among us just cannot seem to find love. Could it have been for a lack of trying? Not sure! But what’s certain is that they need all the help in the world. For some, it has been years since they have boarded the caravan of love. For one, it appears that unemployment plays a big role in this phenomenon, as it leads to men lacking the self-esteem to ask women-folk for love.

They cannot afford even a mere taxi fare for a lady to visit for a day. And for them we ask pledges for a monthly grant to be called the “Lonely Hearts Fund”.

Once the recipients of these find love, they are immediately taken off the payroll.

Anyone looking to defraud the system faces imprisonment or a hefty fine or community service. The stipend supplied to these individuals may not be used for any reason other than to ensure that their lonely days are behind them. Even buying a six-pack of Brutal Fruit for a woman at a drinking hole will be considered a nice try, even if what happens thereafter leaves one with an egg on the face.

See? This community cares for you.

And that, my dearest friends in the community, was my State of the Community address, in the so-called month of love. Happy Valentine y’all!

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