Of balls, goals and Sona

2020-02-26 06:02

SORRY Mr President, I missed the annual Sona games. As you know, these games are played outside of the Fifa international match calendar.

According to reports, your team, the “Thuma Mina” United Brigade, started the game poorly. You were losing second balls, not man-marking and not closing down the spaces.

You had no width and made no crosses into the 18-yard box. I am told that your two left-footed midfielders, otherwise known as the white shirt boys, started the match on the bench. How absurd?

As a result, the Red Berets smothered you from the back and scored two vital away goals in the first half. These goals are crucial for them considering that they still have a long-outstanding cup game against the F.W. de Klerk Invitation. This team is owned by the spiritual father of the Apartheid was not Crime against Humanity Movement.

I feel sorry for the Red Berets, they who believe that Prince Mangosuthu Gatsha Buthelezi deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for his party’s involvement in the Shobashobane Christmas Day killing spree and Boipatong massacre, among others. We shall watch with interest the progress of the Red Berets in the One-Upmanship Politics League. In these games they come up against a well-rested SOE team coached by the indomitable and former hard-tackling Pravin Gordhan, erstwhile leader of the “cabal”.

Your performance during the second half, Mr President, was superb. You started the game like a house on fire. The passes were sublime. You were clinical in front of goals. You controlled your balls well. You marked all the spaces, played well on the counter and scored three valuable home goals — plans to establish a state bank, a sovereign wealth fund and develop policy on cannabis products for medicinal purposes, and of course private use. Masterstroke.

Once the new cannabis bill is enacted, South Africa will become a peaceful country again. High, yes, but steady on its feet. Let’s go commercial, Mr President. We don’t need the bloody White Monopoly Capital to build the holy herb industry.

Let’s do it ourselves.

I am disappointed though, that you didn’t establish any commission of inquiry. How is that possible? But at least you mentioned the word “commissions” six times. Rule by commissions is the zeitgeist of the post state capture mandarins. Forget that in 1970s, the apartheid government adopted the same strategy of using commissions of inquiry and department committees of inquiry to avoid making hard decisions. As a consolation, I see that you mentioned the words “master plan” a whooping seven times. I guess if we can’t have commissions of inquiry, let’s have master plans on corruption, thieving and general malfeasance.

Speaking of balls and commissions, I hear that the bumbling Busi, Advocate Busisiwe Mkhwebane, intends to torpedo the Zondo Commission gig. I read with trepidation at the weekend that uBabes wama Remedial Actions has gone to court requesting permission to help draft narrowed terms of reference. Lord, heaven help us all. I am sad that you were not invited to Busi’s 50th ball. Speaking of which, this woman has balls of steel. Look at the company she keeps — a phalanx of rogues. You may need her balls, Mr President. Excuse my ignorance, Mr President, how are you going to capitalise your state bank, and what on Earth is the sovereign wealth fund when the fiscus is threadbare? According to national Treasury, SA’s gross loan debt will climb above three trillion rand in the current fiscal year, and rise to R4,5 trillion in 2022 to 2023. Methinks you spend a lot of time with the national chef, the Lucky Star Pilchards guy, aka Tito Mboweni. I must admit that his knowledge of economics is far superior to his culinary knowledge. Don’t worry, Mr President, I am not dissing him, neither do I want his job. In the unlikely event that you do establish a state bank, my advice is to make sure that uBaba’s chief Imbongi, Carl Niehaus, doesn’t know the headquarters of this bank. A man who is a self-made orphan is capable of far worse.

Well done on an innovative Sona, Mr President. I now understand why they call you the national breadwinner. Your team proceeds to the last-16 draw of the National Breadwinners’ Cup. Till next week, my man. “Send me.”

• Bhekisisa Mncube is a Zulu ambassador based in Pretoria. He is an author and former Witness political journalist.


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