Mom pens heartbreaking tribute to stillborn daughter

By Samantha Luiz
28 November 2016

"My womb, my heart, and my arms are empty."

When Natalie Morgan went to bed one night, she felt her unborn baby, Eleanor Josephine, "kicking away". When she woke up, she wasn't.

"I knew. I just knew. I didn't want to know...I wanted to be mistaken, but I knew," she wrote in a heartbreaking Facebook post.

After rushing to the hospital, Natalie's worst dears were confirmed - Eleanor had died.

They offered me an epidural, but I couldn't do it. I needed to own it." she wrote.

"I needed the pain, the agony, and misery to mirror what I felt in my heart. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Ever.

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"Dealing with the unbearable contractions, the ring of fire, the tearing... knowing that all of it was for nothing. I was delivering a lifeless child. There would be no happiness at the end of it to help me forget the pain. The pain, unlike my baby girl, would live on forever."

Devastated, Natalie also shared how she and her husband Brian got to spend 6 hours with Eleanor, whom she describes as "beautiful" and "perfect in every way".

"We bathed her, we brushed her hair, we held her, kissed her, and told her how much we loved her. And I apologized over and over again for failing her. Oh, how I failed my beautiful baby girl."

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Although the couple was allowed to stay the night, Natalie "couldn't stay there any longer".

"I couldn't bear the thought of leaving my daughter, either, but I knew I was just prolonging the inevitable.

"As time went on, she was looking less and less like the flawless child that I brought into this world. I couldn't keep watching her deteriorate in my arms. I knew she couldn't feel any pain, but I was feeling it for her, and I had reached my breaking point. I wanted to die with her."

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Later that night, Natalie and Brian said their final goodbyes.

"As I stood over her and spent those last few minutes with her, blood was cascading down my legs and onto the floor. I didn't care - my womb was crying. Everything about me was crying. Watching them wheel her away broke me. My life ended then and there. They wheeled me out of the hospital and I screamed the entire way."

Natalie then asks mothers out there to cherish their babies, through the good or bad times.

Read more: Mom writes brutally honest letter about how motherhood can feel like a ‘sick joke’

"While you're awake at 3am because you have a baby in your arms keeping you up that late, I'm up at 3am because I don't."

PHOTO: Facebook PHOTO: Facebook

"And I would give anything in this world to have a baby spitting up on me, being colicky for all hours of the day and night, screaming, not letting me put her down, cracking my nipples from breastfeeding, keeping me up all night.

"Instead, I have a stitched nether region, painfully engorged breasts no baby will suckle from, a flabby stomach, an empty womb, and blood that will continue to pour out of me for who knows how many more weeks. As if her death and birth wasn't traumatic enough, I still have to live with the physical effects all these many days later."

Read more: Mom shares ‘uncensored’ photo to show what life after giving birth is really like

She concludes the post by asking mothers that when they "have your dark moments with your baby - when you're at your wits' end and feel like you can't go on anymore when you're only getting an hour or two of sleep a night - instead of begging your child to go to sleep and being swallowed up in your frustration and exhaustion, find the tiniest bit of strength within you to keep going, and say a prayer of gratitude for your child, as difficult as it may be in that moment".

"And if you would, say a prayer for me and all the mothers whose children were taken from them too soon. Say a prayer for my sweet, sweet Eleanor who never got to know life outside my womb."

Natalie's heartbreaking post has been garnered more than 66 000 reactions and over 407 000 shares since she first shared it a year ago.

“I knew that many of our friends were having similar nights with their children or were about to once their babies were born," she told Today recently.

"I knew they would have so many moments of aggravation and desperation, but I wanted them to know how unbelievably worth it those moments were,” said Morgan. “Not even a month ago, I was talking about not looking forward to the dreaded sleepless-night-newborn-phase; and now here I am willing to trade absolutely anything in the world to be going through it right now with my daughter.”

The post has also attracted phenomenal support from women and mothers who've lost a child the same way.


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