Let us count the ways to roast Donald Trump

Donald Trump (AP)
Donald Trump (AP)

After the second episode of the Comedy Central Roast Battle, City Press tasked some of South Africa’s top comedians with telling us how they would roast US President Donald Trump.

There, we said it: US President Donald Trump.

Mark Banks said he would probably have to catch Trump first before he could roast him.

“This is where my Amazonian blowgun will come in handy … Once darted, I would solar-grill Donald on my state-of-the-art spit roast. I would mount the head in the foyer of the Carnivore [Restaurant] in Muldersdrift.

"For stuffing, I would use oranges and aquarium gravel. Served with aspic and fried banana skins, it will make him more palatable.”

Jason Goliath was a little less literal about his plan of action, asking: “Is it a coincidence that Donald Trump is against Muslims and his face looks like foreskin?”

Mojak Lehoko said he would “roast Donald Trump by making him take a gender-sensitivity test and publicly release the results."

“I’d then ask him to release his financial statements and compare them to a spaza shops.”

Deep Fried Man said: “If you’re roasting Donald Trump, you need to try to avoid mentioning the recent allegations that he hired prostitutes to urinate on each other, because that would be too easy.

“Instead, what I would do is come up with a steady stream of jokes. I think roasting the US president would be a golden opportunity to shower him with insults.”

Schalk Bezuidenhout would make fat jokes.

“Americans are known for being some of the most obese people in the world because of their massive sugar intake, which would explain why they elected the Oros man as their president,” he said.

“Steve Hofmeyr is planning a trip to America to beg Donald Trump for Afrikaner independence. I think those two would get along well. Trump loves grabbing p*ssy and what bigger p*ssy to grab than Steve Hofmeyr?”

Tumi Morake would love to use his most famous line on him.

“You hate foreigners so much you decided to sleep with one every night to illustrate your point – the only time she experiences the American Dream is asleep, with you on top of her."

“Your hair man, your f*cking hair. You are the president now. Surely this gives you enough power to sort that ugly sh*t out. We can’t do anything about your face, but that hair, come now."

“We’re all waiting for America to wake up and line up in front of you and in unison, tell you: You’re fired." 

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