News headlines you won't see in 2019

Carl Niehaus Picture: Deon Raath
Carl Niehaus Picture: Deon Raath

With elections on the way and the Zondo inquiry into state capture returning soon, this year is set to be a frenetic one when it comes to news.

However, there are some headlines that we will not see this year, writes Mondli Makhanya.


Umkhonto weSizwe Military Veterans’ Association spokesperson Carl Niehaus has announced that he is to return his fake black accent.

Niehaus, a strong advocate of land expropriation without compensation, stated that this move was in line with giving back what rightfully belongs to black people. He did not want to wait for the anticipated constitutional amendment, hence he was doing so voluntarily.

“As a progressive Afrikaner, I know that we have taken so much from our black countrymen, so it is only right that I give this accent back to its original owners,” said Niehaus, sounding like a black person one last time.


Bathabile Dlamini Picture: Lindile Mbontsi

The manufacturers of Chappies bubble gum have reportedly signed up Minister of Women Bathabile Dlamini as the face of their new advertising campaign.

Dlamini, who has chewed nonstop since the ANC’s Polokwane conference, was seen by the manufacturers as the perfect face for their new range of Chappies to be launched this year.

“All we have to do is put our logo behind her and just roll the cameras. We expect a surge in sales,” said Chappies spokesperson Alex MacPherson.


Khanyi Mbau Picture: File
Steve Hofmeyr Picture: File

In a story straight out of a fairy tale, socialite and actress Khanyi Mbau and Afrikaans musician Steve Hofmeyr have finally confirmed rumours that they are dating.

Stories about the unlikely pairing have been circulating for some time in entertainment circles, especially after Hofmeyr posted pictures of Mbau on his Instagram page and even did a cover version of one of her songs at a Boeremusiek concert in Potchefstroom.

In an interview with a local radio station, Hofmeyr said he had always felt a strong attraction to Mbau, but couldn’t make a move because he does not believe in interracial marriage.

“Now that she is finally white, it was a no-brainer for me to make the approach,” said Hofmeyr of Mbau, who has undergone skin-bleaching and facial plastic surgery.

Mbau said she did not see what all the fuss was about because, “after all, colour is only skin deep”.


Former President Jacob Zuma Picture: Ian Carbutt

In a development that has been welcomed across South African society, former president Jacob Zuma has developed a rare throat infection that will prevent him from talking and singing for a year.

Zuma announced on his Twitter account that his doctors had informed him that he has phalarixingytitis, a medical condition that affects one in 100 million, six hundred five thousand forty and seventy thousand people.

Those affected by the condition believe they can be heard, but no sounds emanate when they speak.

This means Zuma will be unable to entertain the mobs who attend his trials just so they can hear what is produced by his vocal chords.

He will also be unable to fulfil his much talked-about contract to record struggle songs.

South Africans took to social media to celebrate this development. “We have been subjected to this for more than 15 years,” Twitter user Pondoipondokkie said.

“I wonder what he’s going to do at his next wedding – mime?” SlayKing tweeted.


Andile Mngxitama at a media briefing after his kill whites threats made at the BLF rally over the weekend Picture: Felix Dlangamandla/ Netwerk24 story Bonolo SelebanoPHOTO:

International news crews descended on Cape Town to witness the official end of the city’s water restrictions, an occasion marked by Black First Land First leader Andile Mngxitama taking a much-needed shower.

Cape Town mayor Dan Plato said the city had decided to go this route because the occasion needed to be extra special.

“We have been criticised for not selecting ordinary Capetonians for the honour, but we felt that if it was to have both a national and international impact, people needed to see what a full shower or bath can do to someone who has gone without for some time,” said Plato as he paraded a cleaned-up Mngxitama in front of flashing cameras and wide-eyed spectators.

Mngxitama refused to say when his next shower would be.


Gwede Mantashe Picture: Felix Dlangamandla

Wits University academics are in line for a Nobel prize after they successfully decoded ANC chairperson Gwede Mantashe’s language.

Thousands of scientists from around the world have been hard at work for the past decade or so trying to find the origins of the language that Mantashe speaks. While some believed it was a relic of an ancient Mesopotamian dialect, others argued that it was either Plutonese or Martian.

The study, which is still under wraps, will be unveiled at Unesco’s headquarters in Geneva soon.

President Cyril Ramaphosa expressed his elation in a press statement last night.

“After achieving a breakthrough of the first penis reattachment technology three years ago, this shows that South Africa is right up there among the best. Personally, I am very excited because our ANC national executive committee meetings are now going to be understandable,” said Ramaphosa.

Roger Baxter, chief executive of the Minerals Council SA, said the mining sector was thrilled that they would at least know where to find an interpreter for their meetings with the minister.


Malusi Gigaba Picture: File

In case this newspaper is accused of spreading fake news for reporting this story umpteen times, it really is for real this time.

Tambo confirmed in an interview that the documentary film he was researching at The Ranch strip club nearly 20 years ago is ready for release. He said he regretted disappointing people for all these years, but that, as a perfectionist, he could not put a “half erect house on the market”.

Tambo said that the popularity of former home affairs minister Malusi Gigaba’s low-budget porn movie had convinced him that perfection did not always equal high quality.

“He showed that a touch here and a touch there does the job,” quipped the film maker.

An added push, he said, was that one of the main people featured in the documentary – Ukrainian pole dancer Katarina Vavrenko – was turning 50 this year.

Russian lap dancer Tatiana Dezhnyov was also approaching that age, he pointed out.

“We want to release it while they still slightly resembled the way they looked in the early 2000s,” said Tambo.


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