This week, #Trending sex columnist Jade Zwane offers advice to a reader who has found out his girlfriend used to be a sex worker.
Reader: I met my girlfriend about a year ago. We started dating and everything was okay, until one day a guy I know told me that she was a sex worker.
I asked her about it and she denied it, so I let it go. Then one day I saw a message pop up on her Facebook from a guy saying he hadn’t seen her for some time at a house that I know is a place for sex work.
He thought he was talking to her, and said he was hoping they could do business. He got into the price details and other issues.
I confronted her and still she denied it, saying she never did that.
Because she did not mind me having access to her Facebook, I searched through her inbox to messages dating back to about a year before we met and found messages proving that she really had done sex work before.
I asked her again if she would have told me if she had ever done something like that when we met. She said she would have.
I knew that she was lying. I have since been stuck between wanting to show her the messages and not.
I believe she is no longer doing those things and she is fully committed to me, but the fact that she won’t confess hurts me. I know she lost her mother at an early age and might have been driven by poverty to sex work.
I love her and feel that I could come to peace if she would tell me why she did it rather than lie to me about her past.
But I don’t think I can make her my wife if she keeps this thing a secret from me. What should I do?
Jade: It sounds to me like you’ve already made up your mind in that you don’t want to continue the relationship if she doesn’t share what you believe to be the truth.
If what you suspect is true, does it change how you feel about her? Are you willing to lose her to a part of her life that she might not be proud of?
She may be afraid that you’ll leave her if she tells you. You say that you believe she’s faithful now and no longer works as a sex worker, does that not make you happy?
She may never admit to it, even with all your proof.
If she is not honest about what you believe to be her past then you need to make a decision and stop investigating her as this is a breach of trust on your part.
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