Do you remember your first sex talk? Was it about how pleasurable sex is supposed to be?
Or was your first talk a warning? A warning against unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, including HIV?
With the abstinence approach, and throughout our adolescence – dealing with systems such as family, culture and traditions – we receive little to no positive sexual messages.
And when we grow into adulthood we’re somehow supposed to know how to enjoy sex.
I recently had a private session with a fiftysomething-year-old mother of three. She was happily married and happy to engage in sex with her husband of more than 20 years.
After the session she shared with me how she had just experienced something she had not before. After some difficulty trying to describe it to me because it was so foreign to her, it turned out she had had an orgasm. Her first orgasm. And she had not had one before that day and neither did she know she had not had one.
No one had ever had the sexual pleasure conversation with her, so how was she to know?
Sex should not feel as if it is a chore or something you give to someone else out of obligation. It is supposed to be enjoyable and fun.
An in-depth understanding of our bodies and being in tune with our desire is the only way to open ourselves up to true pleasure.
For most women this means masturbating.
Just as you explore your emotions and self for self awareness, masturbation is sexual self-exploration. I’ve said before that more than 70% of women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. But too few of us know and understand our anatomy.
A mirror and good light are your friends. Find it. Touch it. Then teach your partner to find it, touch it, suck it and lick it. The female clitoris has no other scientific function aside from our pleasure.
Know it. And know it well.
Reclaim sex for the pleasurable experience it is. Make your pleasure a priority. Make your wellbeing a priority.
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