'My girlfriend wants to be with me and her ex - what do I?'



I’m a lesbian. I’ve been dating a woman since 2014. Everything went well until I cheated on her and we broke up. She moved back in with her ex immediately. A few months later, I asked for her forgiveness. We got back together but we are now miserable. She has been making promises that she does not keep.

I recently asked her what it is she truly wants and she told me she loves me and her ex and wants to be with both of us. Her ex doesn’t even know about me. I can’t stop loving her. I have tried to let go but I always go back. I feel like my happiness relies on her.  


Wilma Calvert, a counsellor at The Family Life Centre’s Westbury office in Gauteng, says, “You need to give yourself some time to think about what it is that you really want for your future. Ask yourself some serious questions and write down the answers in a journal. Are you prepared to accept a third party in your relationship? What happens when she finds out about you?

If this relationship is built on lies, do you think that it will truly last? It might be difficult for you to do this while she is still in your life – as a girlfriend or a friend. So give it a clear break for a while. Also take time for yourself and focus on another aspect of your life until you can answer these questions honestly.”



From one lesbian to another, try working on yourself. Your self-esteem and self-worth are in tatters. Seek professional help with this if you need to. You need to value yourself more. She seems to know what she wants and it’s not you.


Once trust is gone it will never be regained. The reason why you can’t truly let go of her is that you constantly go back to her. Ask yourself, if she really loved you, why did she move on when you are still struggling to move on? Let go and focus on yourself.


You are tasting your own medicine. You cheated on her and she was faithful to you. Maybe she doesn’t trust you anymore. She may think she might lose you anytime and that’s why she also doesn’t want to let go of her ex.

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