Should you date your friend’s ex-lover?


Q: My friend and I have been friends for six years and I have known her boyfriend for three years. Before they got together, I had a crush on him for over a year but was very shy to do anything about it. On the other hand, she is loud and flirtatious and had no trouble getting him.

She knew that I liked him first but she still dated him, so that hurt and upset me. Since they were dating, I saw him a lot. What surprised me is that he would talk to me – and not my friend – when we were hanging out. He would always smile and stare at me and when we did talk, he would say things like “You’re really pretty” and “It is hard to believe that someone like you is still single”.

He recently came to my house and said that he dumped my friend and that after meeting me, he realised that he had gone for the wrong friend. He then kissed me and said that he loved me. I don’t know what to do. I also love this guy but I don’t know what to do about my friend.

Should I risk my friendship for love or should I forget about him?

Can our relationship last after I stole my friend’s man? - CONFUSED

A:Firstly, you can’t “steal” a person. He is not a piece of clothing that you just snatched and which had no choice in the matter. He made the choice and the decision to walk out of her life and to walk straight into yours.

But I have a feeling your friend won’t see it like that. Logic says that your friend should understand that you liked this guy first and that in reality, she “stole” him from you.

But logic won’t work in this case. If anything, she will just see all of this as an act of revenge on your part.

READ MORE: "I am dating a married man and I love him"


If she was a considerate friend, she would understand that she and him never had a connection in the first place and that you guys have a shot at a proper relationship.

Any good friend would want that for her friend. But a good friend would not have snatched him right under your nose anyway, so I don’t know if she falls under the category of ‘good friend’.

She knew how you felt about him, but she still flirted with him and started a relationship with him. That is hardly good friend behaviour.


However, let us take a look at your future with this new guy in your life. Have you sat down and tried to analyse him as a person? Just take a look at him, ask yourself exactly what kind of person he is and what you are signing up for, by going into a relationship with him.

Are you not (or will you not) be worried throughout your relationship that he is looking for someone better while he is with you? I don’t know what promises (if any at all) that he made to your friend while he was with her.

If he made her believe that they have a future, then you have plenty to be worried about. If he made promises of a future to her, then he is untrustworthy and will also drop you, in a heartbeat.

People who are always searching for grass that is always greener never actually find the green grass that they are looking for. But if they both knew and were on the same page and that their relationship was very casual, then he cannot be blamed.

However, the question you should really be asking yourself is; Is this guy and your relationship with him worth losing your friend over? No matter how you look at this, the relationship will jeopardise and most likely end your friendship with your friend.

Are you willing to do that? Is it worth it? Boyfriends come and go, but true friends are there for life. Unless you see this guy as your soul mate and your happily ever after, no boyfriend is worth losing a lifetime friend over. The answer might actually be somewhere down the middle. Maybe you are actually better off without either of them? Think about that.

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