Tsakane asks: I’m 25 and in love with a 42-year-old man. My brother says he’s old enough to be my dad. He wants to pay lobola for me, but I was raised by my mother’s parents. Where must he go to pay lobola? I’m confused.
Sis Dolly answers: Talk to your elders through your mom. They will sort this thing out according to how your clan deals with these issues. Basically, it doesn’t matter who raised you – what matters is who paid lobola for your mom (or inhlawulo if she was never married). If your father did all that’s required to make her his wife (and you his daughter) then the lobola should go to your father’s family. Even so, families do talk and they may still decide that you “walk out” where you grew up as a tribute to your maternal grandparents. As for his age, well, if you’re happy and he makes you feel loved and secure, then his age is irrelevant, even if he is old enough to be your father.