Why are we so angry?
I was having problems with my girlfriend at that time. I didn’t think she was respecting my views and the way I wanted our relationship to function. We were no longer intimate. She was coming over at odd hours of the night and her phone was constantly off.
Naturally, my mind was playing games with me. The tension in the house and the constant verbal fights escalated to the point where I came close to smacking and punching her. She got scared and locked herself in the bathroom. I remember punching the door, screaming and calling her unprintable names. I wanted to teach her a lesson about respect. To say that I was possessed with indescribable rage is an understatement.
Thankfully my anger never went beyond the threats and door punching. Days later, I apologized and she forgave me. I’m not sure when I gravitated towards anger and violence; however I do remember her telling me that she was scared of me.
How did this happen? How did I become a monster to the woman I loved and who loved me? Where did this anger come from? Was the aggression just the exterior and the manifestation of the hurt and pain of growing up without knowing my biological father? Where was Doctor Phil when you needed him? Thankfully, I matured. I read books on healing and men’s psyche. I prayed and learned to channel my anger and fear. I opened up to my partners. I learned to listen and not to react. I learned to love, but not hate.
Over the years, I have spoken to a lot of my friends and colleagues on their psyches when they beat their partners and glaringly, we possess similar thoughts and actions.
A man will hit his partner when he feels he can’t control her anymore. Being in an abusive relationship is like being in a cycle of drug addiction.
It becomes like your bond, in the sense that the woman is like cocaine, inside that relationship. That’s the only connection you have, because there's no real love. In order to overcome it, it’s almost like you have to separate, go to rehab, move out of the dope house and never come back. Although physical abuse is never acceptable, it’s the emotional abuse that leaves the deepest scars. The internal abuse, the demoralizing and demeaning of a woman lasts longer than the physical abuse. The bruises heal. On the inside, you strip away their pride; force them to compromise their self-worth, their self-respect. I would take every secret and weak point that my girlfriend had trusted me with and turn it against her.
The shocking statistics reveal three women die as result of abuse every day.
That’s nearly 1 100 killed every year. This number might not mean anything to you, unless the woman was your mother, your sister, your daughter. Every day we read about it in the newspapers, we see the violence in our communities and know that we men admit to hitting, kicking, choking and even wanting to kill the women we love.
This pandemic will not end tomorrow or next year. The more we speak about it, the more we try to understand and wrestle with this demon, the better the chances of winning this inner war.