A sexual fantasy can be a long, complicated story or a quick mental flash of erotic imagery. “Whatever form it takes, it arouses your sexual feelings,” says Dr Susan Block, sex therapist and author of the book The 10 Commandments of Pleasure.
FANTASY VS REAL LIFE
Fantasies during sex heighten our sexual pleasure, says sex educator Emily Nagoski in the book The Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms. “When the physical sensations aren’t enough to get us where we want to go, the added juice of the fantasy heightens arousal.” But fantasies should never be confused with real life, says Dr Joy Davidson, psychotherapist and author of Your Sexual Fantasies: What Do They Really Mean?
Many women feel guilty about the things they fantasise about, especially if it doesn’t involve their partner. Dr Michael J Bader, author of Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies, is in favour of a “healthy ruthlessness” – saying it’s good to surrender to our own sexual pleasure. “When you have a relationship where you do not need to feel ashamed of your sexual desire and are instead supported, your lust and bliss and appetite can be nurtured and thrive,” he says.
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These are fantasies where the woman calls the shots. She teases her man mercilessly. He may even be tied up. He worships her body and begs her for release. She has total control. Some women who have dominatrix fantasies have confessed to wanting to wear their man’s boxers or they imagine themselves with a penis. These fantasies point to our need to control our sexual destiny, but they can also unlock the secrets of our past, Block says.
EXHIBITIONIST AND VOYEURISM
Some consider the idea of watching other people engage in sex, or being watched having sex, as a social taboo. But voyeurism and exhibitionism, Block says, “is about seeing and being seen, about the joy of the erotic gaze and the thrill of being gazed upon”.
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This fantasy allows women to explore a wider range of sexual acts. However, just because your desire of a threesome turns you on, it doesn’t mean you have to realise it, Block warns. “In real life it can turn into an awful, awkward incident that hurts everyone involved,” Block says.