10 ways to make the news

If you're tired of being a nobody, here are 10 ways you too can hit the SA newspapers and have your fifteen minutes of fame, says Susan Erasmus.

Interrupt Julius Malema during a press conference. Whatever you do, just mention the word 'Sandton'. It will go down a treat – and so will you. Especially if you are pointing out the bleeding obvious, namely that once again, the pot is calling the kettle black.

Touch someone on their studio. Mr Visagie of the AWB will be remembered for his 'studio' comment long after no one can remember a single other thing about him. The whole country has been wondering for a week: where exactly is someone's studio? It has a sort-of below-the-waist feel to it, not so? Well, it certainly is not an earlobe.

Sing "Kill the Boer". It's an old struggle song – granted. But isn't the struggle supposed to have ended on 27 April 1994? And anyway, Julius was hardly out of primary school then – his struggle credentials do not include a few decades in the stone quarries on Robben Island. If they did, I'd say he can sing exactly what he likes. Oddly, though, those people who were really there have all been big enough to let it go. All Malema's bluster has a certain Johnny-come-lately feel to it.

Attend a televised funeral and make a speech. Especially if you already have a bit of a public profile. There is no such thing as bad publicity, and all that. Just ask our attention-at-any price Steve. Even if you have to share the stage with men in khaki and a vierkleur. Cameras are just such a turn-on. Pant, pant.

Wave an old SA flag. Not entirely sure where one would find one of these. Certainly not in a flag shop in Long Street. Waving one of these is about as offensive as the by-now-notorious Boer song. It is bound to get you in the papers, especially if you're at a political meeting or a sports event. Dan liewer die Vierkleur, mense.

Cause a disruption in the SWC ticket queue. The Soccer World Cup starts in less than two months. And SA is having the equivalent of pre-wedding jitters. What if no one comes, or the three people who do come get mugged? Shouting and screaming in the ticket queue would play into this paranoia very nicely. Welcome to your fifteen minutes of fame.

Wear a 100% Boer T-shirt. This is not a garment, it is a declaration of intent. (I am quoting someone, although for the life of me I have no idea who.) And the intent is not friendly or multicultural. People have every right to protect what is theirs, but this T-shirt doesn't fare well in the camouflage stakes at all.

Claim to have had sex with Eugene Terre'Blanche. Heavens. This is not a topic on which I would like to dwell. There seems to be no end to the things of which he is being accused: sexual relations with his assailants, throttling one of them, drinking with them. If we wait long enough, he will be held responsible for the volcanic explosion in Iceland and the woes in the Sudan.

Get engaged to a fourth wife. This should get you onto the front pages. Especially if you're white and a member of the Dutch Reformed Church. Prepare yourself for unfavourable comment, though. (Steve, what about you? I think you might just be our best candidate in the polygamy stakes. Just think how much you would save on petrol and phone calls.)

Assault a political opponent with a chair. I mean, there's a reason why someone is called a 'chairman', not so? It's clearly a position one has to earn because of one's dignity, one's intelligence and one's leadership skills. Just kidding.

Right, that's it. The choice is yours. Just don't say that you have not been coached well. Your fifteen minutes of fame start right now.

(Susan Erasmus, Health24, April 2010)

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