Ask an expert

25 Nov 2013

Hit me
Were to start-Ok on Friday night I got home and my husband who finishes earlier than me had been drinking and said he wanted to go to a braai and I said no coz he had been drinking and we have 2 kids we cannot drink and drive. He got really angry and hit me repeatedly in the face every time I tried to defend myself. I was so hurt and so embarrassed as it happened in front of our boys. He went on to blame me for losing everything but we built everything together- we have been together for a long time, he said he wanted to study so we got him the books etc he hasn't open them and he is supposed to write exams now, we have had issues with his mom as she has a major drinking problem and so we haven't seen her in a while we spoke and agreed that she cannot live with us because of the kids and we live in a flat so when she wants to visit we will pick her up and drop her off, now he says im evil and trying to keep him away from his family -and that without friends a person cannot get anywhere(he actually says that) I am on my nerves with the drinking and cannot get him to understand that drinking and driving is not ok-he says I make him like a fool as I don't trust him but I cannot do that to my kids-he has wrecked the car twice already. I have always been there for him through his drinking spreez and always thought things will get better.I want to leave and know that there is no other way! But I am bound by a lease which ends next year June 2013-how do I get out of it? Also can anyone share there stories were things worked out? I don't know were to start were to end, although I am working we are in a lot of financial trouble how will I sort the accounts out on my own we barely make it as it is. Also is it possible to be a weekend alcoholic? During the week my husband is a total different person and come Friday its like he's possessed! It crazy as come Monday I get sucked into believing things will be different this weekend as he is different during the week! Its like I am going mad.I'm so hurt, confused, sad don't know what to do gosh how did I land up like this.
Answer 852 views

27 Nov 2013

His physical assault on you is of course totally unacceptable. He clearly has a significant drinking problem ( and though these are not closely inherited, he has probably inherited an increased risk of alcoholism from his mother ).
Sounds like you accidentally infuriated him without you doing anything wrong at all.  Of course you were right, and he should know not to druive while drunk, especially not with the children and you on board. And a braai is NEVER EVER so important as to be an excuse for such a violent temper tantrum. Maybe he grew especially angry because he knew you were right, not only about not driving drunk, but he knew his complaints were unfaior and his failure to study had been his fault, too.  It seems as though he has trouble taking responsibility for his own choices and actions. And drinking friends are never true friends.
He has no right to insist that you must trust him, when he doesn't bother to behave in a trustworhy manner. With previous accidents and risk to the children, you are absolutely correct to be anxious --- it is his lack of anxiety and concern that is wrong and troublesome.
With his long history of problem drinking and irresponsible behaviour, he is NOT going to change for the better unless he takes this all very seriously indeed,  takes personal resp;onsibility for all that he does, and seeks proper expert help --- if he could solve these problems on his own, he would already have done so.
Maybe call a group like POWA that helps abused women ( and you are an abused woman ) and they may be able to help advise both on finding the safest way for you and the children to leave him --- but also on legal issues.  If YOU hold the lease and pay the rent, the place is probably technically yours, and you could approach the court and the police for a protection order and to have HIM removed from the premises and the locks changedm while the court could forbid him, on pain of being jailed, from approaching you or the children or causing you any problems. Maybe he can stay with his mother for the time being. Possibly proper counselling could help, but first he needs serious help with his alcoholism.
Yes most certainly some people who are seriously alcoholic show this mainly in serious binge drinking, perhaps at weekends or other intervals. Its still alcoholism, and the person is still likely to try hard to deny or ignore it.
Protect yourself and the children, and NEVER again believe his promises not to do this again, not to cause problems with his drinking, and so on.  They are brilliant at making convincing promises and at keeping none of them.  If he wants to prove that he is repentant and can recover let him demonstrate this by doing it, not by merely promising it.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
Voting Booth
Eskom has considered continuous load shedding at Stage 2, instead of introducing it when the power system faces a crunch. What are your thoughts?
Please select an option Oops! Something went wrong, please try again later.
I'm all for it - we're going to have power cuts regardless, so we might as well have some stability to better plan our lives
45% - 4484 votes
No thanks! I prefer having periods of no load shedding and we cannot normalise this crisis
55% - 5446 votes
Rand - Dollar
Rand - Pound
Rand - Euro
Rand - Aus dollar
Rand - Yen
Brent Crude
Top 40
All Share
Resource 10
Industrial 25
Financial 15
All JSE data delayed by at least 15 minutes Iress logo
Editorial feedback and complaints

Contact the public editor with feedback for our journalists, complaints, queries or suggestions about articles on News24.