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27 Mar 2014

Stupid reason to be hurt
I know I'm being so stupid, but I can't help being hurt. I got married last year and I asked my friend of 21 years to be my maid of honour. She accepted and that was practically that. She sent a few messages to ask how the planning was going, offered her help once or twice, and was more excited about the bridesmaid dresses more than anything else. I left it at that, she never offered to plan my bridal shower or bachelorette and I never asked because I didn't want to seem pushy. Well, now she is getting married later on this year. I was not asked to be maid of honour, but at least I am a bridesmaid. Yesterday I got a call from her maid of honour to discuss the bridal shower and bachelorette and I felt really bad. If she is getting her friend to call, she obviously knows by now the "duties" of the maid of honour and I know it's stupid to expect an apology, but it would be nice if she acknowledged that she didn't really play a part. I say "duties" because I know it's not a MUST, there are no laws. It just would have been nice. :( I know I should have spoken up, but I was also feeling a bit down that she didn't offer to do it, like she didn't want to be put out (she is a difficult girl, she won't come see me by herself because she doesn't want to drive that far (not even far, like 20 mins on the highway), but she expects me to come to her by myself for girls days). I'm just feeling low about it, even though I know it's dumb.
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Expert
CyberShrink

29 Mar 2014

You're not being stupid, but then you're not being helpful to yourslf, either. Personally, I worry that weddings, and all their increasingly elaborate trimming are become too demanding, emotionall and financially, and the various roles and expectations are not well defined. As you say, there ae no laws. Presumably her idea of being a maid f honour was different from yours, and different from the friend she asked to do this for her --- its probably her friend who has decided that arranging the backelortette etc is up to her.  If your friend is aware, she might not only be embarrassed to apologise, but also not sure whether there's a need to do so.  Many people see those extra duties as tasks you do to help the bride, not as an honour you're graeful to be given. Indeed as something you may be grateful and relieved NOT to be given !
Maye overall she's not as great a friend of yours as you may have been assuming, but the problems with these two wedding would surely have been avoided if ALL of you had communicated better and more explicitly, not assuming everyong else had the same expectations and ideas in mind as you, but saying clearly what you did or did not want --- and if each of you had done this, here would have been no risk of disappointments or misunderstandings.
Fou instead on really enjying your own weding, which is the important thing, and dont waste time and energy brooding about what might not have even been slights in the first place
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