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02 Feb 2006

Advice needed
Hi Cybershrink

I am a single mom (been divorced for 7 years) with 2 beautiful kids who is everything a mom could ever ask for. ) every two 2nd weekend.
For the past 4 years I have been involved with a "wonderful" man who was going through a divorce when I met him, and now after 4 years, is still going through the divorce.
I did not intend to have a relationship with a married man, but they were seperated when we met and still are. (According to him).
He was and still is very good to me and my kids and helps us financially alot, especially seeing that I run a whole household on an income of R6000.00 per month. I live in Pretoria but work in Johannesburg as no job in Pretoria paid as well as the one in Midrand.
I fell in love with this guy in the beginning cause it seemed as he has all the attributes that I would like to have in a husband one day, if I do get married again. And unfortunately we started having a very serious sexual relationship.
However, in the past year a few things happened that really caused me some concern.
I am suffering of fybriomyalgia and this tends to make me extremely tired, especially if I'm going through emotional stress. My doctor prescribed me fluexetine and also some sleeping tablets.
My "married" boyfriend nearly went mad. He said that my doctor does not know a thing and that anti depressants is very bad for me. He then refused to support me financially if I'm staying on the meds. So what did I do? I stopped the medicine.
I also broke up with him, cause I realized that this guys has an obsession with my health.
But then he realized that he lost me, so he admitted he was wrong, started supporting me again and promised to never talk about medicine again.
When I went to my doctor for a checkup, he asked me why I dropped the medication. He said that I cannot expect to get well if I don't take the meds prescribed to me for at least 6 months.
I went on the meds again and AGAIN my boyfriend got totally mad, so much so that he started accusing me of being addicted to medicine, telling me that no man will ever want me the way that I am and that his pshychologist told him that he is feeding my bad habits if he supports me financially. He said that it is a shit life being with me and my kids and that I must not ever again consider him as my friend, neither my sms friend and neither my e-mail friend. He went as far as going to see my doctor, telling the doctor that he thinks I am addicted to medicine and now also officially made my doctor his house GP.

Off course I broke off our relationship completely and it went very very well. I managed to go through Christmas and New Year without even longing for his companionship. My kids even told me that I must please never marry this guy as he does not love me unconditionally.

Last week though he phoned me again and came to visit. Their divorce is now finally going through (he says) and he misses me. He said that he was reading through information about fibriomalgya and that he understands why I must take the medicine and that he will never again argue. He said that he finds it hard to live without me and that he loves me and my kids dearly and unconditionally.

My question to you is. Do you think this guy is geniun? Can I trust him again after all that he said? His family has never met me and I don't even know if they know about me? We work together and my colleagues told me that his wife thought he was out of country while he was actually staying with me for 2 weeks.

Presently I am on Cipralex as my doctor said that he does not think the fluexitine works well enough for me. I am considering changing doctors cause I don't know if I can trust the doctor that discussed me in detail with someone who is of no relation to me.

Suddenly I am extremely tired all over again, which makes me realize that this guy has a very big impact on my emotional and physical health. On the one hand I know that if I start a life with him I can just as well declare a death sentence. On the other hand, he is really good to me and my whole family. My moms car broke last week and he repaired it for her free of charge. My kids bike tyres gave in and again he repaired it without asking for anything. I had no money for groceries, so he deposited some money into my bank account. School started again and I had a lot of stuff to buy and costs that I do not have money for.

Is this guy just playing on the soft spot that he knows is my tender point? Will I ever be able to trust him again? Can I be a piece of shit in December and yet in January I am the woman he has always wanted.

Please Cybershrink, I know that you are extremely busy, but I will appreciate it so much if you can answer my questions for me. My family does not want me to have a relationship with this guy ever again as they saw the mental and emotional manipulation that he used on me. But what if he really changed and is geniun in his love for me.

Please be honest with me. Please don't feel sorry for me. Please help me.

Thanks.
Answer 482 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Hello Ann,
Very Long Message. Let's see. There is definitely something very wrong with your bf over-reacting so ridiculously about yo0u taking a proper drug prescribed by your doctor--- obviously he is highly ignorant about medicine and medications, but there's more to it than that. I wonder what.
His psychologist sounds odd, too, if interfering in your life and making judgements about you without having ever met you. And what a cheek to visit your doctor ( who should have refused to see him ) and making stupid allegations about you beign adicted to a drug which never produces addiction, and which he didn't even allow you to take ! Sounds like he's a power nut and an over-control freak. And he may be using the money as a method of control ? Like Deubel, unless his wife ha been fighting the divorce tooth and nail, 4 years seems to have been an awfulyl long time for that
Who knows if he's genuine ? Maybe you can say that you'll consider having him back if he will join you in relationship counselling which, among other things will examine this control issue and the fury about your medication. And maybe you should ask ( fair's fair !) to have a session discussing this with his psychologist ?
He sounds able to be supportive emotionally as well as financially --- when things are all going his way, but maybe less reliable when he disagrees about something.
Oh, and Frusty --- this Wednesday is Thursday ! Maybe that's a Thaw point ? The woman who helps me with my shopping and chores had car problems, and I'll be out tomorrow, Friday, afternoon, instead.



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