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28 Oct 2008

At long last
Hi CS,
Hope all is well with you.
I think at long last I am really with the right doctor, things seem to be changing for me and I am getting a grip on my life. Drinking is no longer an issue and I am spending a lot more quality time with my kids, I just with the feelings of despair and loss would go away, however I suppose in time it will. This doc reckons that I have a lot of hidden trauma but believes it is better left in the recesses of my mind where it seems to be hidden from myself.

I am constantly tired and the doc believes it is because my subconscious has started dealing with all my feelings. I am beginning to learn that I do have feelings and I am hurt and angry about what happened to me as a child. I am angry with my Mom as well and believe she betrayed me to the worsed degree out by sticking with the man that basically took away my childhood, but I also realise now that I miss her terribly and so dearly wish I could talk to her and someone reach some sense of finalisation. My question is, do you believe even though I cannot talk to the people in my eyes responsible for in many ways the way I have turned out and close that chapter, that it will ever happen?

Another thing, the doc said' s I have a very strong defence mechanism and have hidden a lot of the trauma I suffered, however I want to know what it was so that I can put it behind me, however the doc believes if we open that box of goodies I might just loose myself completely. Do you think this could be the case, or is knowing not a way to find actual release.

My kids are doing well, work to me of late is a problem, I don' t want to be here but have to. I so wish I could meet someone who can take care of me and not the other way round. I am so tired of taking care of everyone, although this is also getting better, learning to stand up for myself.

Well CS, babbling as usual, but thanks for being here and for all the good advice I have always received.

Take Care
Answer 419 views

01 Jan 0001

Hello again BT !
So pleased to hear that you feel you're getting a better grip on things and have found a doc you like working with. The other bad feelings will surely dwindle ; they've probably become something of a habit by now. I'm always concerned about "hidden trauma" theories, which are often damaging quackery, and am very pleased that your doc has sensibly decided to leave what's buried, buried.
Your feelings of anger are understandable, but no longer really useful. You may need to decide that though what she did was wrong, there's no point in pursuing that line if right now you miss her and if her presence in your life could NOW be of some comfort. She may well not have understood the effects o the decisions she made at that time. One must in some ways find it possible to close chapters of the past, otherwise one can't invest enopugh psychological energy in improving the present and the future.
I agree with your doc that there is no likely benefit from archeologically digging back to discover details of whatever may have happened ( and memories at this stage, of all concerned, are so unreliable that that is probably an impossinle aim, anyway ).
And in amongst all that taking care of others, remember to find time to take good care of yourself --- you're so well worth it !
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