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27 Oct 2006

boyfriend looking at porn!
i have recently discovered that my boyfried (of 5 years) has been looking up porn on the internet. i am horrified, upset, disappointed, depressed and many other things. what am i supposed to do? please do not tell me that "this is normal", "boys will be boys" etc, as that is just not true!

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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Do check out the archives of this forum, for "porn" as this is a topic we have discussed in detail many, many times before. You are fully entitled to insist that this is NOT normal --- for you ( you are an expert on yourself )--- but you can't just issue a blanket insistence that this can't be normal for anyone, anywhere, any time.
Momof3, as usual, makes excellent sense. It is common, and part of the life-style of a great many very normal people ; many men and more women than you might think. If it is PART of his life, and not substituting for actual human relationships, it causes no known harm whatever.
I know that for many women it can feel like infidelity --- but it actually doesn't represent any less love for you ( he looks at porn, he doesn't "love" the people depicted ) and it doesn't represent any less sexual desire for you, either. You don't mention what if any sexual relationship you have had during this long friendship, but the way you express your attitude towards porn suggests that it is at least possible that you are less interested in sex than perhaps he is. As Momof3 says, discuss this calmly with him.
Women often collect cookbooks, even if they don't actually do cooking, and enjoy looking at the pictures of food they will never eat ; and they buy fashion magazines, and enjoy looking at pictures of clothing that not only will they never wear, but which no sensible women ever would wear --- the fantasy can be enjoyable, and doesn't mean that they enjoy their own diet and clothes any the less.
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