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19 Jan 2006

cant fight anymore
I am stuck in a very confused place at the moment. I have had an ed for 9 years now...i thought I had left it all behind, well I had, I moved on and got better, when I was bulimic I put on a lot of weight and then when I stopped it seemed to just drop off me as my body returned to normal. I have been fine but slowly started having fleeting thoughts of dissatisfaction with my body and now it seems to have overwhelmingkly grown.

My last hospital time was three months in valkenburg because I was a 'hopeless' case..i would never get better apparently, so my shrink gave up on me, then I was referred to J2 at Groote schuur, but left treatment sooner that I expected.

I did however get myself into the right frame of mind.

And now I am sinking again...my days are rules by thoughts of food and weight. Some mornings I wake up and I feel ok about myself and other times i am ruled by intense hatred towards my body. I always said after I went thought my last recovery that I believed if I ever sunk again I would end up dead..and here I am slipping again.Ive toyed with the idea of getting back to j2 and seeing what i can do, with NOBODY finding out...if my parents found out they would murder me...literally. I also work extremely long hours and dont even have time to go to any appointments...plus the fact that I am petrified....if I went back I know I would be referred for poss hospitalisation..i cant face that..the last time I saw my therapist I was 15 kilograms heavier than i am now and even then they were pushing me harder and harder for more in patient, despite only having just come out of a three month stint in hosp.

I dont know what to do...Iam supposed to be an adult,this isnt supposed to happen, I dont what to do or what to think, I have no supoprt system, I am sneaking in diet pills again, finding times when i can not eat...
blah blah...i cant do this anymore..im breaking.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Hi jj,
Well, it's sad to hear that anyone may have considered your case to be "hopelsss", and congratulations for having poved them wrong. However, it is hard to manage an ed long-term entirely on your own, too. WOuldn't it be well worth your while to see another ED specialist locally, maybe at Stellenbosch, for a re-assessment and advice on trreatment from here on ? Maybe theres someone, for instance, practising CBT in Eating Disorders, which probably wasn't available when last you had treatment, and which could most productively build on your progress in "getting your mind right" as you said. ?
This time is significantly different from before --- now you know that you CAn beat the ed, and you just need to get back to the frame of mind in which you had it under control. Before you didn't know that this was possible for you.
Sounds, too, as though there may be too much pressure on you at work, too much too soon.
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