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07 Apr 2003

commitment
my girfriend of 6 months told me yesterday that she is not ready for commitment as it scares her.for the first time in her life she found someone to settle with but she says she can't.her parents marriage broke up and she still can't deal with it.she says that she is unfair to me and wants to give me my freedom even though she loves me very much.she still wants to have the freedom to go out with her friends and have fun but is unsure about making our relationship more permanent.i love her too much to let her go.i am 33 and she is 26.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

cowboy, we vary as to the age at which we start putting a greater emphasis on commitments and stability, than on essentally empty "fun". So it isn't purely a question of chronological age, though more of us see the light as time goes on. And someone who hasn't yet come to terms with the fact that her parents mariage broke up, may find it harder to approach committment in their own personal relations, without expecting the same to happen to them.
Part of the trick to esablishing lasting relationships lies in the amazing coincidence of two otherwise compatible people managing to find each other AND being ready to enjoy committment at about the same time. Maybe we should be surprised that it happens so often, rather than being surprised when it doesn't.
It sounds as if she might benefit from thinking about some counselling to help her get through her personal issues relaing to her parents' divorce, and her fears of committment --- not in order to ready her for a long-term relationship with you ( though that is what she might indeed choose, once she becomes free to make such a choice ) but because it would be valuable for her to free herself from these limitations.
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