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20 May 2004

Compatability
Hi Doc

Frankly, I think you are being judgemental and are making a vast generalisation, not knowing me as an individual. I think you are also fending for your own gender. I much rather prefer Fallen Angel's neutral approach.

My moral dilemma stems from exactly the things that you are ranting about. Note that I have never judged his character. One can hire a handyman to do fixit jobs around the house but one cannot pay someone to tell you that they love you, and to show it in other appropriate small ways. But certainly not by fixing your taps!

Although money is not everything, unfortunately it is a means to an end. Do I give up my dreams to see the world and self-growth or do I stay at home on week-ends for the rest of my life and hold his hand? or do I search for someone who will be the love of my life AND earn an average salary in line with my own? , or is that an unrealistic expectation?

By the way, my first marriage of 11 years was to a man who had 2 children from a previous marriage and I accepted them as my own. Should a relationship not come first and children be accommodated within that relationship?

The gifts I gave him? Various small ones - appropriate to a young relationship, amongst which flowers. And if you know that that is what makes a girl happy - flowers are still available at about R40 a bunch! And if you were so careful about spending money but were serious enough about your plight you could also pinch a nice one from the road side, it's the thought that matters!

Thanks you for your trouble anyway.

Jane

Answer 422 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Hi Jane,
Of course you reject such accurate criticism. If you ever bothered to read my daily posting here, you'd know that nobody could ever accuse me of being prejudiced in favour of men. NOBODT here knows you --- Captured Angel doesn't know you any better than I do, but is, unusually, in this case, showing bias for her own gender, and was far from "neutral" in this response --- but it's usual to call people who agree with us, "neutral" ! And from my own long experience of this most excellent woman, "Fallen Angel" she is not .
What we both know is what you said an how you said it --- and your entire message was snobbish, cynical, and mercenary--- I suspect if you read a similarly worded message from anyone else, you'd think the same, but you seem to have some difficulty in seeing any fault in your own actions. You asked for comments, and you got comments ; it'd be wise to take all of them seriously, and think about all they say, rather than just pick those that make you feel good.
If you had read our forum more regularly, you'd also realize what genuine hell so many women go through with men who mistreat them severely ---women who could read your message and think "Gee, I wish I could have HER problems !" I dont think you ever loved him or even cared for him. You used him for the household chores, and enjoyed some good sex, and now you're looking for someone richer. That's your choice. Personally, I think he's better off without you, so he can find someone who can appreciate his excellent and uncommon qualities, rather than worrying about his bank-balance.
I agree with Liza's wise and well-expressed comments, an J's, and all of those who recognized you for the characteristics you displayed so openly.
And what's wrong with our being judgemental ? Do you really delude yourself into thinking that there wasn't something noxiously judgemental about how you assessed and discarded this guy ? Isn't it interesting how nobody EVER complains about me being "judgemental" unless I criticise their fondest self-delusions. When I agree with them, however judgementally, they never ever complain !
When you raised it as a moral question, you invited judgements, and you received them. What you wanted, as distinct from what you asked for, was cheers, encouragement and support.
Maybe I'm used to more librated women, but most of those I know look for love from a companion, but don't see it as necessary that he must bankroll her expensive "dreams" --- most of us see that as our own personal task in life.
Sorry to hear that he didn't pinch anything from the roadside. Anyhow, I'm confident that you actually made the right decision, as the two of you are surely not compatible. Any number of most excellent women will be delighted to have a relationship with him. It's your future happiness that worries me more. From my experiences over the years of treating some millionaires and more rich folks who could travel whenever they fancied, none of them were happy, nor satisfied. I hope you are more lucky than them.
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