Ask an expert
Question

20 May 2004

Compatibility
Hi Doc and forum

I am 43, divorced, with one dependant child. Have a career in financial service ind. Studied. Financially independant, own house etc. although there is never much spare cash. Have dreams to travel when finances allows. I really miss having a partner and would love to meet the right guy to spend my life with, who can contribute financially at least at equal level to build a life together and travel with.

I met a guy 5 months ago, very sweet and kind, bit of a male traditionalist, he's extremely handy around the house and started fixing things without being asked which was great for a while. We both have strong sex drives so that was also great. He was without a job for about 2 years after an accident but fully recovered now and has found a job in a small specialised factory. He has very little money,and clears exactly half of what I do every month.

He has never asked me out to supper or movies or given me a gift once!. I like the finer things in life, going out to restaraunts, theatre, being treated etc. and will spoil in return. He always just comes to stay at my house for the week-end and does chores, brings his tools etc. his way of doing things for me, as his puts it. Maybe it's an excuse to justify not wanting to spend money on me? There seems to be no money to do anything. He takes his cooler box everywhere. Apart from having little money, he also appears to be cheap/stingy, difficult to define. He has copied a lot of my CDs. He just bought jeans at Pep. I am not a lables person, but like quality clothes. Although he makes time for me, he has a daughter (13) from his previous marriage which he dotes on and will decline seeing me in order to spend time with her. I can sense that he cares about me, although he refuses to talk about love, because it's too "early".

I have just ended the relationship because of these differences, but miss his company quite a lot. I just cannot see myself making more financial sacrifices and sacrificing a dream because I know that he will never be in a financial position to do the things I want to do like entertainment, travelling, week-ends away staying in a guest house etc. while he suggest staying in a tent! (Which is great on a hike but not otherwise..)

Am I being prejudiced or unfair? Please let me know, in a way it is a moral issue to me as well.

Jane

Answer 394 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

G'day, Jane,
Maybe it's yuour job that encourages you to focus so exclusively on money, here's a nice guy, putting his life back together after his accident, and contributing all he can to make you happy. Have you any idea how much all those household repairs and fixit jobs would cost on the open market ? With your taste for the "finer things", which you have surely made clear to him, he probably feels awkward about not being able to afford to give you the sort of treats you would expect and prefer.
You see a man who "doesn't want to spend money on me" ; I see a man who gives you probably as much as he can afford, and who you seem to have rejected for financial reasons, because he'll never be a sugar daddy. You see it as making "financial sacrifices" to spend loving time with a poorer man. Ugh
If you're so self-centred that you reject a nice man because he chooses to spend time, when he can, with his daughter ( gee, yes, let's prefer a man who ignores his kids, and has nothing in his life but adoration for you ) ;
and if you're such a snob that you sneer at a man who buys jeans at Pep ! --- well, you two are surely not compatible, and you'l need to look to find someone who is really rich, hates his kids, and would rather go naked than wear anything with the wrong label on it.
How many gifts have you bought him ? You sounds as if you represent the extremely materialistic world of some of the mallrats becoming so common in SA --- a relationship is for gifts, for restaurants, for exchanging inane SMS --- and nothing to do with love and affection.
I agree that there's a moral issue at play here, and I greatly prefer his moral view to yours. He needs, and deserves someone who is not a major snob, who isnt only hung up on stuff and fashions, and who doesn't truly value a man by the size of his wallet.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.