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17 Sep 2007

CS, is this Spy vs Spy?
Hi CS and others

My latest dilemma is not a healthy one.

It would be better if it were me against the world; but it is me against me. Of late I have found myself engaging in the oddest exercise, which is to compare the actual me to the ideal me.

Naturally, I come up short. While bearing the same name and being the same age, the ideal me looks quite different (very gorgeous) and runs her life with far greater efficacy than I do. She also is in my dream career; runs her own health spa and upmarket b and b in the city’s leafy northern suburbs. The more I have been engaging in this silly exercise, the more I am becoming strongly addicted to it.

I am becoming slightly alarmed in view of the fact that rather than simply exist in my subconscious, Far Better Me becomes more real by the day and now seems to have begun quietly mocking my inadequacies and constantly pointing out all the ways in which she trumps me.

She is able to attract and keep the right men and land the right business deals. Her gourmet skills are exceptional, she is knowledgeable on a vast array of topics. Her lush cluster is always spotless, she drives an SLK 55 AMG and also has a Cherokee. Her wardrobe gives mine the Salvation Army look.

My obsession with her and her hold on me have now become so ridiculous that she points to me the most mundane of things – yesterday it was how her nails grow so much longer and stronger than my weak peeling ones and how when she goes for her waxing sessions, she doesn’t feel half the pain I do.

Yesterday she 'revealed' that she even has a cute birthmark on the hood of her clitoris - again making her a unique, one-in-million woman. How many women have a cute birthmark on the hood of their clitoris?

What sort of psychosomatic mess have I gotten myself into??? She sometimes seems more real than I do.

I meant to ‘create’ Far Better Me to inspire me to reach for greater heights. Her achievements were meant to be a source of inspiration to me but they are chipping away at my self-esteem and only magnifying my faults and shortcomings. I meant to look at her and aspire to her heights but how do I reach perfect heights? There is nothing wrong with this woman, from the curvature of her hips to the timbre of her voice to her delicate skeletal structure the admirable style of her handwriting. How do I measure up against that? I want to undo Far Better Me but it’s almost as tho - being far better - it will be up to HER when she should depart, not me. Yet I also don’t want to undo Far Better Me…if I do will I sink back into total mediocrity, not having something or someone to look up to? It’s as tho I am still holding out, hoping she will agree to be the mentor she is meant to be, and not the tor-mentor.

This probably reads like the laughable and fanciful ramblings of someone long confined to an institution. But I’m not making this up and I feel imprisoned. I feel the victim of my own imagination; I conjured up Far better Me with this same imagination and now I feel victimised both by Far better Me and by my own imagination.

I need to escape this ludicrous situation and find another way to challenge myself to improve my life.

Suggestions please….
Answer 368 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Well, if our actual Me mached our ideal and perfect Me, that might sound nice, but actually it'd be rather boring --- there'sd be no possible room for improvement --- so why bother to get out of bed in future ? What more would there be for you to achieve ?
If your ideal vision gives you motivation and direction, that's fine. But when it merely discourages you, what's the point of it ? I"m almost tempted to suggest ( guess what ? ) CBT as a way of getting this process more realistic and more useful. And I'm sure Far better FB ( FBFB) would be awfully boring, by contrast with the one we know
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