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27 Apr 2003

Dark Horse Husband - Living Secret Life!!
You really think you dont have problems. In Oct Last year Hubby told me he was having an affair with a colleague at the office (some 20 Yrs his junior and of another race). He confided that he could not leave her or her 6 yr old daughter.
I told him I thought he was going through male menopause. She is married and separated from her husband. We spoke and he was supposedly over it. I have given my upmost support - having a successful career and 2 darling children.
He went to a shrink, and I thought it was just a fling. He confirmed he will only know its the rite thing to do if he goes ahead and tries.
He dropped a bombshell last week and said he is moving out to his own place - he has such strong feelings for her and he is madly in love, in a way he has never felt before. Imagine how I feel.
He told his kids and me and nobody else. He has been living this secret life, but the mistress has put so much pressure now to see and be with him more, i.e. movies shopping outings etc.,
He has been vindictive and abusive and all the things we have never experienced before in our marriage, this past few weeks. He loves out big kids with a passion. He moved out of the bedroom 2 weeks ago.
He will not speak, refuses to say what is going on. But his phone bills are rediculous.
His partners at work are against me and say that what he choses to do in his own time is his indaba. Its as though they dont care, yes I understand its not their business, but hell its happening rite under their noses and they are not condoning it.Nobody can help me - he has made up his mind about our relationship. How can this be so final.
We had (I thought) a great marriage and happy being together.
What am I going to do. I love this man. But he does not want me anymore. I feel so helpless.
He speaks about anal sex being a big turnon. Obviously the secret rendevouz are a turnon.
How can this work with the age and cultural differences.
Will he see sense if he moves out for a period of time. He tells me its for good.
Arguing is not helping, it makes him more determined.
He is prepared to give it all up for her. He Knows my capabilities.
Yes I have been for legal advice, but I dont want to divorce. I want to make it work.
Can it ever with all thats gone wrong. I repeatedly tell him I love him and will be there for him.
What more can I do?? We have been married in excess of 20 years.
Answer 367 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Jenn,
This is a really sad situation. Of course your husband is behaving like a fool, and maybe it is a "mid life crisis", at least one of the phases in life when some men behave with huge foolishness. I wouldn't expect his partners to do anything about it --- maybe they're at it as well, or at least want to preserve their rights to do so. And they're apparently not concerned if he wastes time and money at work phoning and mooning about this woman he's besotted with. Yes, some guys at some stages, get turned on by the whole idea of an illicit, dangerous and naughty relationship. It's pathetic, but not unusual.
From what I've seen in practice, there's not much you can actually do about this. Arguing, as you've discovered, doesn't help. Usually such relationships crash and burn eventually, but that's small comfort. So long as he's besotted, and defiant, and defending his right to be wrong, nothing much will shift him except awful results from his lousy decisions.
The aim, surely, needs to be to protect yoruself and your children, so far as possible, and this is indeed where a lawyer comes in. Not divorcing him won't stop what he's doing. Possibly, the prospect of a divorce case in which his misconduct will become widely known, and which could become really expensive in terms of providing properly for you and the children, and perhaps limiting through the Court, his access to his children, might make him think a little more about what he's doing to you all, rather than concentrating entirely on his own private fantasies. He should also have to pay for you and the children to have proper personal counselling, to help you cope with his callous thoughtlessness.
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