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01 Feb 2010

dark mood cycle
i feel as though my life is on repeat.i' m ok for a few weeks and then this dark depression comes and sits on me for a day or 2 before it goes again.but it gets worse every time it' s always the same though. i am 30 years old and have to live with my parents because i work for my father and can' t afford rent. i don' t have a car and i live out of town which makes it very difficult to get around. i have a degree (and i' m busy with a second one) and i' m very intelligent and creative but i can' t seem to find a better job. i am not unattractive and i' m funny but i never get asked out. my younger brother on the other hand is doing missionary work and lives on donations. he has his own flat, my dad pays for his car. my parents also paid his studyloan whereas i have to pay my own. he always has nice clothes, he' s always in cape town or eland' s bay or where-ever. i haven' t been able to afford to go to cape town for 2 years ( i live in george). he even went to israel and america all expenses paid (because of people' s donations). it is hard for me to not get bitter about this. i work my-|-off and i am just getting nowhere. i have been feeling very suicidal again lately (although i will never act on it as it is not biblical). i have this fantasy about cutting myself just enough so that i can get sent away to an institution away from everyone. if i had money i would have booked myself into a type of rehab or just at least gone to a psychologist. how do i get rid of these feelings?
Answer 351 views

01 Jan 0001

Sounds like an odd degree of discrimination against you, Lee. Why is the younger brother so favoured ? I don't know what sort of ?missionary work" he might be doing, but I have never heard of any sincere missionary who is as rich as he sounds, who can aford to dress well, party and travel - sounds like a major rip-off somewhere !
Cutting yourself won't solve anything, though seeing a counsellor should indeed help. With one degree and one on the way, it seems hard to believe that you cannot find an alternative job.
With all you can't afford, it sounds like your dad is not paying you the going wage for someone with your qualifications, and that's not fair either. When you leave, he won't find anyone else prepared to work for him without a good living wage. Indeed, aren't there jobs needing lesser qualifications, but paying more than you get now, which you could take, so as to be able to afford to get your own place, etc., and from there look for a new job in your own field and at better salaries ?
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