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28 Mar 2003

Divorced but not on paper
After 6 years, I've met my high school sweetheart again. He has 2 little girls and an ex-wife. The problem is, they'r not yet divorced on paper. They work at the same institution and see each other on a regular basis. She has already moved in with another man, but neither of them seem to want to get the papers signed. I love him dearly and trust him with my life, but this situation is preventing us from planning a future. He wants to move in toghether but there is no way I'm moving in with a married man. I'm sitting between the Devil and the Red Sea, should I push or just let time take it's own course?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Charlie,
Well, no-one outside the situation can give a definite answer on such decisions. But your reaction is entirely reasonable. If he's merely separated, and hesitates to actually go ahead and divorce his wife, he's hardly able to committ himself to a new relatonship. She may be closer to moving on than he. But you're right --- you cannot realistically plan a future with a man who chooses to remain attached to his separated wife, until he makes up his mind one way or the other. Now only you know him well, and you need to assess him without gazing through the sunglasses of love. What are his intentions ? Is he a chronic ditherer, who will need to be pushed ? Or is he simply being lazy, and enjoying the best of both worlds so far, and feeling reluctant to cange a situation that happens to suit him ? If you just leave things to take their own course, will he move closer to resolving the situation, or will he jus leave things dangling for as long as he can get away with it ?
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