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07 Mar 2003

Does rape have an influence on a relationship?
This is just what I mailed her and telling her my feelings. Was the the right way to put it and was it right at all? Thank you for your help. Can you answer me maybe again today?

My mail to her:

>I did my research and I found as well from a person that is studying
>psychology and they also said that if you have been raped that even
>something small as this can seem big to you and cause you to fall
>and be emotional and very un-stable and the situation I described as
>both react it seems like that was the cause. I bet you have not even
>mentioned that to your doctor that you have been raped and yet again
>that will then only show you try to find other things to blame to not
>put the blame on being raped and that the problem is on your side.
>it did not happen, if it did happen you would have told your doctor
>not hide an important fact like being raped. Any doctor will tell
>that that will have a great effect on your life and on your
>relationship, even if you will never admit it. There will always be
>that in my mind because I have seen and heard and read that the
effect a
>rape has on any person is very bad and the it might not have an
>rite away but can even come out ten years after and ruin lives. So
>unless you do not mention that to the doctor and she says you are
>it will have no effect what so ever on your life then I will take
>responsibility for this but until such time I will not. It just
>to me that it never happened and you know they will say that will
>an impact and it is the major factor and you do not want to face it
>it is a lie. That is why I think you are always just blaming this on
>and never saying anything about your experience.
>So yes I have done more than my homework and I did ask around and any
>normal person would be able to have coped with what happened between
>unless there has happened something like a rape. This is not my own
>opinion, this is of people that deal with this everyday and have more
>experience than me and you will ever have in that field. And I am
>attacking you on this I am just stating what I see and what things
>like to me. If you would like we can both go and ask a professional
>about this whole thing so you can hear it from them and not me. Your
>I do not want to fight about this or cause kak but this is just the
>I feel about this. The more you say that the rape is not the cause
>the more you do not mention it to people and blame me for all of this
>the more it feels to me like it did not really happen to you. I am
>sorry if this upsets you but this is the way I see it>

Her response to this e-mail was:

Do not try and make excuses. I have dealt with that part of my life. I have no longer a problem with it. I do not feel emotionally abused by it either. And by the way... your "normal" people over there who say that a "normal" person should be able to handle what we have been through - says who? how can anyone say how one would react in a circumstance that they have not been in????? do they love the person they are with or not? it just goes to show that you have NO idea the shit you put me through. And i suppose you will always be ignorant to that. Youll never understand. So guess what - I dare you to take both of us to a shrink at the same time to put your excuses to rest.
Im an NOT the one who started so much shit in this relationship! who
>was the one who was always acting in a smothering way and trying to
>so controlling? and i never had this disorder since beofre you. I
>havent felt this way inside ever before apart from a year ago. There
>are many causes for an anxiety disorder and one of the main causes is
>emotional stress and abuse. You may not see it that way, and if so,
>do some research. Im just telling you what has been told to me.

Answer 262 views

01 Jan 0001

Dear Hurt,
As you know, we can't afford to run a 24-hour immediate response service here ! And though I understand what you want, you should also understand that I can't suggest the wording of your mesages o her, or responses to hers.
What you said to her sounds reasonable and sincere. I think, from her response, it is important, though, to face other elements in the problem. Maybe she has fully worked through the earlier rape experience --- that happens. Some people remain devastated by such experiences, other people recover brilliantly and get over it. She does make it clear that for her, other issues, including a sense that you tend to be over-controlling and smothering, perhaps over-protectve, are seriously problematic for her. And if you really care about her, it is essential or you to take seriously what she is actually complaining of, and not merely stick to your particular theory that only the past rape matters.
OK she seems to have challenged you to some form of psychological duel (!) by suggesting that you arange for the two of you to see a shrink, together, to discuss all the issues that lie between you, and get a more objective view of the problems that need to be dealt with. How about taking her up on that ?
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