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Question

30 Apr 2004

Don't have friends.
Dear Cybershrink,
Like the real Emily Dickenson, I do not have any friends. I am working through this with a counsellor. I have asked you previously about my marriage to an older man and you really answered my questions beautifully.
You have suggested that I work on seeing friends. I do not know how to make friends and am very upset about that. I was driving along in my car and wishing I had a girlfriend to speak to about my situation : that I am married and am not happy at all, that this younger man is most attractive and I can't stop thinking about him. Just somebody to share this all with. I feel sad about the fact that I have to pay a therpist to be a friend and wonder what is wrong with me. I am so sad and confused. How to I make friends? I had friends in school and in my early twenties now I find I have none and I miss that terribly.
The centre cannot hold.
With many thanks for being there,
Emily.
Answer 429 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Well, Emily, I hope and expect that your therapist is being and will be more than a friend, and will be able to be even more helpful than a friend, so don't blame yourself for feeling the need to get expert avice --- I don't blame myself because I need to ask a mechanic's advice when my car goes wonky. The fact that you have made and kept friends before shows that you're well able to do so. Maybe you've got out of your previous social circles, without getting into new ones. Think through your interests and present or potential hobbies and activities, and see if you can develop some of those into activities in which you could also meet people with whom you'd already share some interests. Also, how about exploring getting involved in charities and other good works in areas that interest you --- a useful reminder of how much worse life can be for others, the satisfaction of being able to feel that you have been helpful --- and you meet a better class of people than at the Mall !
lady nina is right, the best friendships are based on sared interests, and on what you can give --- and through that, you get the advantages of someone to talk through problems, as a bonus.
And by the way, to any readers puzzled by our references to "Emily Dickenson", check her out, a marvellously quirky, deep but easily accessable American poet.
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