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22 Jan 2006

Embracing depression
I don't understand myself prof. I totally embrace the phase I enter and live it to the full till I get out the other side. Wether it be a fantastic manic episode or a cripling depression. I need to feel each second. Live each moment. And if the previous two depressions was anything to go by, this is going to be hard and heavy. I'm totally looking forward to it. WHY IS THAT?! Do I want to suffer? I don't think so. I think I need to feel emotion, be it sad or happy, cause I did not have that luxury when I was young. I just felt hate. I'm facing this thing head-on, knowing how dangerous it can become. But no shrinks, I'll take my pills as always. And I'll keep the line open on this forum. I need you so keep out of your car. Stay away from danger. Please. Hopefully it won't get to the point where I will need all the information I gathered about suicide. But I very well might. One more question doc, why do I still get manic and depressed to such a large degree even with the meds? I've been on it for many (6?) years.
Answer 425 views

01 Jan 0001

Hi Lucy X,
I suspect none of us understand ourselves all that well ; maybe those who are sure they do, understand less than the rest of us. You describe an interesting reaction to the prospect of Depression. Some people do, masochistically, somehow enjoy some suffering, especially if they feel guilty and deserving of it. Maybe, as you suggest, if one was brought up to try to ignore and minimize one's reactions and emotions, it may feel comparatively good to embrace and fully recognize emotions now. But there's no value in deliberately running into danger ; I think its our duty, to ourself and others, to minimize risks and dangers by the best and most expert available methods around.
My accident was when someone else was driving, so out of my hands, literally. Now I have to rely on a friend to take me out for shopping and chores. But she's a good driver, confident and apparently competent ! Like you, I can't avoid all risks, but I minimize them as far as possible.
Biploar illness is curious ; we understand it enormously better than even a decade ago, but there is still much we need to learn. Some people are fortunate, in so far as the chemical instabilities seem to be relatively easily brought under control and smoothed out, by the first medicatiosn tried. Others need more work, by themselves and the expert they choose to work with, to experiment with different doses and combinations of mood-stabilizing meds, to find the combination that works best for them. It may take months, or years, to find the right balance, but it is worth pursuing.
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