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17 Sep 2006

Father has run my family into the ground
Hi Cybershrink

Needing advice for the rest of my family. My father is 48 has not worked for 10 yrs or so, he's addicted to phensydyl cough mixture and has become an alcoholic on top of that since he has not been working. He has been addicted to cough mixture since his high school days. I'm the only son and eldest and have 2 sisters, 20 and 24. They both travelled to England over 2 yrs ago, and I soon followed. During this time my mother lost her job, and has still had to support him. We have been telling her for years to drop him for the better, but she felt that she would keep the peace and carry on supporting him as he had no where else to go, she felt.

He has been verbally abusive to all of us while growing up and I remember him beating my mother on occasion or two when I was still a child. My mother always threatend to leave him but it never amounted to anything. My sisters have since returned home. He has still been particularly abusive to my elder sister up until yesterday, and lifted his hand to her yesterday afternoon, in return she retaliated and he viscously climbed into her... It subsided until the evening where he started with the verbal abuse once again started toward both my sisters, my mother then got involved and told him to drop it, but it was just downhill from there. It turned out to a fullout brawl between him and my elder sister, he knocked her down, broke her nose, she defended her self and in the struggle my younger sister got head butted by him apparently mistakaeble for my elder sister, mother got hurt in trying to pull them apart.

Once more he could not let it go and knocked my elder sister down again, she once again defended herself and managed to get hold of a log from the fireplace and gained control over him with my other sister and mom Needless to say this has not been pleasant for any of them. My mother has now realised this is it and has gone to my aunts place with my sisters. This is one of those things that won't ever be forgotten. My father now seems to not want my sister around because she has no respect for him, but can you blame her???

He will not leave the house now, so they have had to move to my aunt for the next couple of days until they can get police assistance to move the rest of their stuff. They have gone to the police station now and hopefully the police will be able to do something about him! He will not leave the house and does not want to accept help from anyone for his injuries or his addiction and I feel he has a pshycological problem with dealing with his past as his father was an alcoholic, and shot himself. I know there is no turning back now for them or myself for that matter, regardless.

I'm concerned for my father in way, because he won't admit that he needs help. Trust me we have been trying for years, and if he won't help himself how can we get help for him. Without us he's nothing and has nothing! I'm not worried about my mom and sisters anymore because they are safe now, and my uncle has his firearm away from him. This won't stop him from killing himself though, but he needs help nevertheless even though we will never go back to him.

BTW they are still waiting for the police to come around since this all happened yesterday. Will he be arrested after they've laid charges today??

What do I do now? I don't think there is anything I can do for him on his behalf if he doesn't want help. He is in denial about alot of things!

I'm so shocked this has happened! And still can't get over the fact that it's come to this, and I'm positive this wouldn't have happened if I was there! But I wasn't. I feel so helpless being so far away, but what more could I do know? I will be calling lifeline tomorrow for more guidance on the situation.

Any guidance would be appreciated.

Thank you.
Answer 429 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

So he is a chronically abuisive addict. While your mom is prepared to support and keep him, and thus to indirectly help him to feel his habit ( who pays for the Phensedyl and the alcohol ? ) he is of course not going to change at all. Why don't your sisters lay criminal charges of assault against him ? He has no right to expect ANYONE to have any respect for him.
Why does the house belong to ? If it is him, the problem is different. But if he has been unemployed all this time, maybe your mom has been making the payments, etc., for the house ? She may be able to approach the magistrate's court for a court order to have him removed and forbidden to approach the house or herself and the sisters at all, or he goes to jail if he ignores such a court order. Also, they could consult a social worker, as it could be possible for them to approach the court for a compulsory order to have him committed to somewhere like Magaliesoord, where he would receive compulsory treatment for his addictions and alcoholism.
NOBODY can help your father until he recognizes that he needs help and sincerely participates in it --- but within such a compulsory admission, such people may learn to recognize the situation they have got themselves into, and may begin the necessary change. It's understandable that you feel concern for your father, though it is hard to feel sorry for someone who has insisted on ruining his own life and that of others.
He should be arested on the charges of assault, and the court should be informed about his history of chronic abuse and assaults, and it may be possible for the faily to ask the court to also consider sending him for treatment.
I understand your feelings, but do not blame yourself --- your father is the sole author of all these problems, and would not have allowed you to prevent him from doing as he has done.
Good luck, and let us know what happens
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