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07 Feb 2006

flying hi
hello cs

i trust u r well.
i am back at work - i was told my colleague wrote u. i know i promised not to write in on this site, but i really need some advice. If there is another site i can visit would u let me know pls.

the past 3 months have been very traumatic. i was in a skydiving accident. the first part of my jump was awesome - when my chute opened i floated in the sky - 3000m above ground level - and for the first time in my life understood the saying.."as free as a bird"
one cannot describe the feelings, emotions & flashes of thoughts experienced in that cacoon of blissful silence. everything feels like a dream, there is no harsh realism of the world.....for a few seconds of a lifetime - u r just a being, a particle of air.....there is no pain, no anger, no markings or scars from life. And then I hit a pocket of wind - & it took me down - i lost altitude at an a fast pace. fear overcame me when i saw my movie being fast forwarded and earth rushing towards me.

i woke up in hospital - panic. didnt know where i was or y. apparently nearly a month of my life had passed me by.
i had a stroke, my left side was paralysed, also broke my femur.
i've been in rehab since - can use my upper body fine, my left leg was crushed and badly scarred & cant walk too great. walk with a hectic limp, not very appealing to look at. am in constant pain. they say i have pts. do u think thats what it is or just the pain thats making me so angry, frustrated, want to cry all the time but havnt shed a tear.

wish i was back in hospital, wish i didnt have to face reality or this pain. it was so much easier there. everyone's really annoying me because they all go - o my gosh....u r so strong-willed....cant believe how determined u r to recover ...... u r doing so well......u so lucky 2 b alive (am I?) ......blah blah blah.
rehab is so hard - i hate it - but i will do this - i just want people to leave me alone and not tell me how well i'm doing cos they have no damn idea what i'm going thru.
i know that sounds ungrateful and u gonna say - they only say it cos "they care" but its like hearing over and over and over again how sorry people are when yr best friend died in a motorbike accident.

Please could u recommend a site i could visit to talk about this cos i have an overload of grief lodged in my chest.
I am also seeing a social worker, but cant too often as cant drive.

Thanks

Have a good one.

Answer 338 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Hi Princess,
Of course you're welcome to post here --- all I asked was that neither you nor your former friend ( nor someone who for a time insisted on posting some very nasty messages here ) hould bing any ill-feelings over that relationship back into the forum. It's really nice to hear from you again, in your own right. And good for you for getting back to work
What a horrible set of experiences --- and with the accident coming right after the experience of freedom and bliss.
After my accident last year, I have some idea of what you've been going through, and you have my sympathy.
Hard to tell whether you have PTSD --- it's possible, though, as you suggest, the symptoms you describe could easily be a respnse to severe and lasting pain --- I know it affected me that way.
Have you noticed how CONTROLLING it is when people praise you in such a situation ? When they coo and say "How marvellous and brave you are", it's as if it is an instruction that you MUST be marvellous and brave, because that's what they need from you. And I found espcially annoying ( to an extent that they couldn't understand ) the people who when I could barely walk ( and even now its very difficult and painful ) insisted on telling me that I was going to recover totally and quickly, when I knew that this was NOT what was going to happen. What I appreciated most were the few realistic people who asked quietly what they could do to help, and thought of realistic things like how could I get shopping done, or bills paid.
Pity there isn't a sort of visiting counsellor / social worker program. There might be, connected with some NGO/ charity, come to think of it, as there can be in hospice programs and the Cancer Associations programs --- we just need such programs also for the orthopaedically challenged, like us !
I fully understand the load of grief and anger you have stocked up. You're welcome to discuss things here ; and anyway, I don't know of any other suitable site.
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