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07 Oct 2008

Gf has issues with sex
Hi

I am in a relationship with a wonderful girl and have been for a year and half. Throughout the relationship most things have been wonderful but there has always been one problem, our differences in libido and sexual confidence/expression. I have been very patient with her, spoken to her about it, suggested we go seek professional help and tried to be as understanding as possible. Basically the problem is that I want sex far more than she does, or often even when she does she can' t express that and will never make the first move. another thing is that the moment she feels stressed in her life or anythign disturbs her she shuts down on sex completely and I must just continue to wait, make the first move be rejected 9 out of ten times until she finally feels that all conditions are absolutely perfect for her and then we can have sex.

We are young, I' m 30 she' s even younger. The relationship is young and we have excellent communication and a solid love for each other but this aspect of our relationship is really driving me insane. I am willing to do whatever it takes, go to a sex therapist, see a psychologist etc. The probelm with ehr lies in that she comes from a family that don' t and never did speak very openly about sex. They are also ot a very emotionally or physically expressive family and her parents eventually divorced because of this and one of them turned to a homosexual relationship. So yes, she has issues about sex, but she won' t go see anyone about it and I don' t know what to do. I lover her very much but I am all about physcial and emotional expression and I definitely need more sex and to feel more physically desired. I also need to know that when i make the move that most times I won' t get rejected. It' s becoming such a major issue in our relationship and I don' t know what to do anymore. She seems to basically be saying to me that she will work it out on her own, I must be patient and that is that. I' m not sure that seh can work it out on her own and I know I can' t be in such a relationship indefinitely but I really do want to do whatever is possible to resolve this issue so we can continue to have a good relationship. Is it me that is wrong here?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Well, what you're discussing currently is hardly sexual compatability, and one wonders whether she doesnt have other issues, perhaps arising from earlier bad experiences with sex, either as an adult in as an abused child. Either way, while you obviously notice how unsatisfactory this is for you, it is also clearly not good for her, either. Also, its clear that sheis NOT going to solve this by working on it on her own, as she has failed to achieve much this way, so far. She needs to se a good shrink, preferably a psychologist, for a thorough assessment and discussion, and for counselling to help her overcome her inhibitions --- it does sound as though there is more to this than her simply having a lower libido than you, and more may be needed than simple compromise
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