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24 Jan 2006

Here's my story - it's long. Sorry!
This is going to be a long story so I apologise in advance. We had a fall out with my Mother on Christmas Day & haven’t spoken since. The reason for the fall out was really silly – it was between my Mom & my Husband & she just proceeded to ignore us. My DH asked her & my Dad if everything was ok & my Dad just said that everything is fine. We were all on holiday together & every time I tried to make normal conversation with my Mother after that, she would be very short with me & give me dirty looks so I would know she’s angry with me. This has bought up a lot of internal issues & feelings that I have from the past. When we told them we were pregnant with our son, my Mother just sat there with a horrified look on her face. My MIL jumped up & kissed us & my Mother used that as her excuse for not getting up sooner. When my son was born, she was a great help & I was happy for a while. When he was 8 weeks old & she picked him up the one day, he started screaming. She told me that he’s pampered & spoiled & if I took her advice, he wouldn’t be like that. I am a very soft person who HATES conflict so I usually just suck all this stuff up & try to carry on. A few months ago (my son is now 2) she wanted him to sit on her lap & he started crying & she said that it doesn’t seem like she’ll ever build a relationship with him. When any of her friends mention that my son is good then she’ll make a comment like “he’s just having a good day today”. She has an extremely strong body language so I can see when she doesn’t approve of something I do with my child. My other problem is that everything I do in life I automatically make the decision that she would approve of. It’s not a conscious thing but I find myself doing the same with my son – I tend to make a decision for him based on what she would approve of instead of what my gut feel tells me is right. I don’t think she ever really approved of my DH but he’s tried very hard to build a relationship with my Mom for my sake. We seem to have a major clash about every 6 months or so & every time I go running back & am made to feel that I’m a bad daughter etc by all the excuses my Mother makes. Last time she sent me a really ugly e-mail & I actually went to see a psychologist because of it who told me that my Mother has serious issues in her life & wanted to see us together. I didn’t go this route but instead met my Mother for lunch & that was that for a while. This time I’m not prepared to go running back so please don’t tell me to sit down & have it out with her. I’m waiting for her to swallow her pride for once in her life & come back to me. I’m trying really hard to have a happy family life with my husband & son & keep this off my mind but it’s really difficult.

The story runs longer & deeper than this but I've tried to get the basics out. Hope it all makes sense.
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CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Hello Sad,
Notice how the reasons for even really severe fallouts, are usually in fact silly ? No, I wont suggst you sit down and have it out with her ---not alone, anyway. IF she had the courage to join you in joint counselling, maybe something could be worked out, but I doubt that such an over-controlling woman, who fails to see any fault in herself such that she'd even blame an infant for sensing her discomfort, would ever agree to take part in proper counselling. Don't run back to her. And if she approaches you, make it clear that there must be respect and rules to govern the way she has been treating you and your family. Wait her out. Enjoy the happy life you have made within your own family, and preserve that, and leave her to enjopy the misery she chooses to create instead.
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