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20 Jan 2006

I dont understand....
My boyfriend and I are together for 6 months. So many things have happened in the 6 months but I can safely say that I am still madly inlove with him. 4 months before we met his wife died and we became friends, he told me that in his culture he was not allowed a girlfriend for a while. We waited for this time be over before we got together as a couple. He told me that I wasnt allowed to meet his parents and go to his house until the 1/1/06. When New Year came he told me that I wasnt allowed at his house until after the anniversary of his wife's death which is in April. I'm coloured and his zulu, I dont know much about his culture so I accept and respect what he tells me. Although its hard I told myself that I needed to be patient. In this 6 months I fell pregnant (even whilst using contraceptive and also being told my doctors 3 months earlier that I would never be able to conceive). At first he didnt want the baby now he is as excited as I am. One of the main problems are that he works a lot and I sometimes dont see him for a week at a time, but we do talk on the phone alot. There are times that the last time that I speak to him is at 16h30 and we'll talk the next day. Sometimes he ignores me completely and we have discussed this so his tried to change. Then I realised that I complain to much about time and that maybe he needed room to sort his head out, this worked and we were very happy. Now I'm losing patience when it comes to the family etc. because they dont know about me he will always choose them over me. I dont ask him anything just an hour here or there to have coffee. In the 6 months we havent been to a movie, we make arrangements and he ends up disappointing me. I decided that it would be better if we werent together and that it would be better for me to leave as I dont think that the situation would change. I've been making arrangements to leave for London after the baby was born and I wasnt going to tell him, but I felt bad and told him yesterday. He got so upset and told me that I only think about myself and that I never take him into consideration. He said that all he wants for me is to have patience and that things will change - but how do I believe this. Im doing this for the both of us, my life will be better not crying over him and he will be better off because he can go on with his life. If this is what he wanted why is he so upset? I think we broke up yesterday so we're not talking to each other. I dont understand...
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

I think we need some wise advice based on a correct interpretation of cultural customs. It seems to me an odd interpretation of any culture that you're not allowed to have a girlfriend as a friend during bereavement, but it's OK to make someone pregnant. I believe that cultures have expectations and customs which may not always make sense to us these days, but were rooted in what were originally very sensible pracises. Some may deserve revision when the world situation has changed greatly from that of the past when the customs were formed. The custom he is referring to is surely based on a wise community recognition that rushing into a fresh relationship before you have finished mourning and recovered properly from your grief, is not wise. What he seems to have been doing is ignoring the custom in terms of what he has been doing with you, and observing it only in ways that will make it appear to his family as if he is adhering to it. Maybe he should be encouraged to see a counsellor to work on unfinished emotional business he needs to see to
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