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07 Feb 2006

I WANT TO TELL HIM, BUT I CANT, I DONT WANT TO HURT HIM
I discussed this on another forum hoping to get help.I have been with my boyfriend now for almost 4 years and have disgustingly cheated on him on numerous occations, to be specific, approximatelty 10 times, maybe even more, even lost count. I have slept with +/- 6 men since I have been with him and have had kissing relationships with the rest. I am not proud of this and found it in myself to tell him about two of the men I have been with, if I tell him about another guy, I know that it'll be over between us and I cant lose him. One of the men I was sleeping with is his friend who has a girlfriend and I feel so bad whenever we around them cos I feel like he is been made fun of behind his friends backs. The thing is, all his friends know that I have been with his friend but he doesnt know. I have been getting these really strange dream and abnormal panic attacks in the middle of the night, waking my boyfriend up screaming and telling him that I know he has cheated on me-BUT HE HASNT! He thinks I am psycho and thinks I need to see a shrink, I just think its my subconcious mind playing tricks on me cos of what I have done. I wish I could just stop this cheating, let him know about it so that I can move on with my life. I am scared. I am not scared that he will leave me, but I am scared that evryone will find out about the ugly person that lives inside of me. My heart is sore, I am sad and I hate myself for waking up every morning, I just wanna die. My point is, is that I just need to get out of my mind cos the giult is over-whelming, even sometimes think of killing myself with cocaine or something which i can get easily from my friends if I wanted. I am also scared I might be HIV positive and would never go get tested. I am confused, with low self esteem and I am lost, I need some guidance. Pls help me?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

What on earth do you mean "I can't lose him" ? You have cheated on him repeatedly, knowing how cruel this would be to him, and have treated him with no respect. You have consistently and repeatedly treated him like dirt, servicing your own lust, and risking his life itself with your repeated exposure to HIv and other STD.
Your subconscious mind isn;t playing any tricks on you --- you don't have one. But for goodness sake yuse your conscious mind to try being sensible at long last. See a clinic for complete testing for HIV and other STD. And tell your poor bf that you have exposed him to such risks. IF any form of STD is found in you, again, inform him and encourage him to get tested too. That's his basic human right, which you have ignored for the sake of your own pleasure.
THEN see a good local counsellor, preferably of the CBT style, and get deeply involved in counselling to sort out the problems you describe. You have made many really bad choices, and need to start with the choice to not allow yourself to repeat any of the mistakes you've made so often before now. You can turn this round, byt not by ignoring it and just wishing for the bad things you have done to simply go away ; and not by harming yourself, either, which does nobody else any good. You know you don't deserve to continue to have the friendship of this man you have treated so badly, so often. Tell him the truth and allow him to save himself. Then sort out yourself and look for the chance of having an honest relationship with someone else.
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