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31 May 2004

In love... hopeless situation
Dear Cybershrink...
I am a 24yr old female... and I have fallen for a 20yr old male ;-)
However this is the least of my problems... The relationship began by us chatting over the phone and we really enjoyed each others conversations, this was for about a month or two... Then I decided to meet him.

Things got really intense really quickly... What I have not mentioned is that I am white and he is indian, which is not a problem to me, but would be a huge problem to my parents... and due to this fact I have stopped seeing him. Not to hurt my parents and not to hurt him. I feel like a stuff around... However I have hurt him already.

However I cannot stop thinking about him... I feel like worthless in my decision. And that I cannot even trust myself with my own decision making processes and that I can't stand up for what I believe...

If I told my parents they would probably kill me and in turn I would hurt them badly. However if I want him so badly and it is so right I should be able to tell them. But I just can't.

I also know he is very young and he has a few issues of his own that may influence my life quite badly, he drinks a lot.

Due to the fact that the relationship got intense so quickly I am a bit scared that we are both feeling these feelings because we want to and they are not actually real, and I am not willing to take the chance on something that is not really real, have I answered my own question? However the bond between us is really strange, almost telepathic...

When I look to the future I am not sure if this is what I want...
My feelings for him are very strong though....

What do I do?

Ali
Answer 379 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Hi Ali,
At 24, your parents have no right whatsoever to have such a hold on you, and to expect you to share their racist prejudices. racists have no right to expect everyone else to avoid offending their prejudiced feelings --- you have the right to love whomever you please, without interference, and they cannot harm you in any way for doing so.
Isn't it high time for you to declare your indepence ? Not in any hostile sense, but to make i very clear that you are entitled to make your own decisions, especially where love is comcerned.
OK, as our other readers point out, there are many real problems that arise in a multi-cultural, cross-racial relationship and marriage, but there are many very happy couples who have managed to handle those problems excellently ; though not everyone can manage that. In fact, his heavy drinking, is far more certain to cause problems, than anything else.
Maybe you need to spend more time getting to know each other before deciding whether you two have anything strong enough to handle the problems and to persist through to happiness.
Of course you don't want to hurt anybody, BUT. Stopping seeing him now, will have hurt him already, and will lead him to decide for himself why you have chosen to stop seeing him. Sometimes one can't avoid altogether the possibiliy of others getting hurt, but we can minimize it if everyone involved knows what's going on, rather than being left to guess.
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