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20 Sep 2006

Insecurities re other women
I love my husband more than anything and this is where everything comes in, we have a son of 3 and a daughter of 9. We have been married for 11 years. Whenever we are around any women, even if it is his sister, I become insecure. I don’t like him giving compliments to any female, even if it is his sister. I don’t like him hugging or kissing any female family or friends and I don’t actually like him paying too much attention to any female or talking to them too much. I believe I am there and he must pay attention to me. (I know this sounds stupid but this is how I feel). On my way to work I will start thinking about which customers he will be going to see during the day and wonder if there are any nice looking females there. When he gets home I will ask if he spoke to his mom today? Or sister today? Or what he did today, I will ask if he went to his office and how the “staff” is there. I know that there are 4 females working there. My husband also travels a lot due to his work, he sometimes goes away for a week during a month, I hate this but what can I do, its his job. My husband and I don’t have many fights but if we do have a fight, it is due to something I did or said relating to him and a female. eg. He said the other day to his mother that if his sister’s boyfriend ever did anything to her, that he would do something to her boyfriend. I freaked, why should he be so worried about his sister, what about me, I am his family now, he must worry about me. I walked around miserable for about a week until he asked me to tell him what is going on, of course, when I told him, he got cross, I think he thinks I’m a bit mad, he says I’m pathetic when I am like this and that I must grow up. He said that the day he is not allowed to hug his mother anymore he would leave me. To me, it means that he then loves his mother more than me? I will never tell him that he can’t hug his mother. I’m even having thoughts now about what he would do if his mother was on a sick bed and I was on a sick bed at the same time, who would he go to? What goes through my mind when he hugs his sister or another family member or friend is that he can feel their breasts on him and it makes me crazy. My husband and I have a loving relationship but I feel that I might push him over the edge one day with the way I am. He told me that he can’t be “normal” in front of me because he doesn’t know what I will do. That makes my mind go further, what does he mean by normal? What does he actually want to do? I hate this feeling of something eating me up inside whenever a nice looking women walks in the door, I will always compare myself to her, she will always have better hair, a better face and a better body. I will never be good enough. My husband doesn’t have friends over anymore because their girlfriends / wives would be too good looking and I would always find fault with why I didn’t like them and don’t want them over again. I trust my husband with all my heart so I don’t understand myself. When we are walking in a shopping center or driving in the car and I see a nice looking women, I will look at him to see if he is looking at her and I will usually make a comment such as “is she nice”. I don’t enjoy going to clubs etc. anymore because there are too many attractive girls there. When his cellphone is lying on the desk, I will go through it; I will also go through his diary, and his pockets, why? Do I want to find something? I was really fond of his mother until the other day. He told me that she told him that when he went to the shop with his brother, I was tapping my foot by the window and complaining because they were taking so long. I now feel like she has betrayed me, like she is trying to steal my husband away from me or trying to drive a wedge through us, now, I treat her normally for his sake, but I don’t trust her anymore. It feels like they are discussing me and this is making me even more untrusting and insecure around them. I feel like he has his own family now, we are his family, he must be with us, I don’t mind if we see his family now and then, but they must not think that they are going to take him away from me. I can see that his Mom is giving him extra hugs etc. now, I’m sure that he might have said something to her and she is doing it to try and get to me, but her doing it to him doesn’t bother me. His father passed away 2 years ago (he was very fond of me), my husband had the last pictures of the family (including his, brother, sister and mother) blown up and framed and wants to give them each one as a gift, this is eating at me, that he spent this money on his sister and brother, I don’t mind him giving it to his mother, why, why is it eating at me? His father passed away and he feels he wants to do this. I loved his father dearly; it’s just the fact of his spending money on his sister and brother. This doesn’t make sense to me that I am upset.

I had a terrible High School life. From approximately Standard 8, I hated everything about school. I was first teased because I was flat chested. One thing that I will never forget is a boy asking me in front of the class if he can please take me home, when I asked why, he said so that his mother can use me as an ironing board (because of my flat chest). Well, not long after all the flat chest teasing, came my long nose teasing. I was called Pinocchio, Roxanne, Root nose, and well, that was my High School life. My husbands cousin is down from overseas and I don’t want to have anything to do with her and I don’t want him to have anything to do with her, I will greet her, but that’s it, she was is High School with me and I distinctly remember her walking passed me in the corridor and going nosey nosey nosey and touching my nose, I will never forget it. She comes down frequently and I hate it. After Matric, my parents paid for me to have a breast augmentation (now I just wish I went bigger). March this year, I had my first Rhinoplasty operation; I will be having my final Rhinoplasty operation in December this year. I thought that this would change me, change my insecurities, that everything would be right once my nose was right, well, I was wrong, I do feel a whole lot better about myself but my insecurities are still there. Now I’m thinking about what I can start saving up for next year. I want my teeth straightened and then bleached and then I want to start with Botox injections.

I need to try and sort myself out because everytime I think about it or think about him possibly looking or thinking about another women, it saddens me, I will just start crying in the car when thinking about it and its happening a lot nowadays. I also feel that sometimes I am not good enough for my husband and that he sees other “business” women as being great. I work for my father; I go to work very casual, in jeans and a top. Sometimes I feel that when my husband sees women in his field that are dressed up in suits etc. that he thinks they are very clever and ambitious and I am just old me working at Daddy’s work.

Why do men look when an attractive women walks by, In my mind my husband wants a tall, blonde, big busted women, why? He loves me for me, I know he does, he never wanted me to change my nose but I did it for me, he said he would have loved me even
when my chest was flat but I don’t think so. I always feel so inferior to other women. I always feel that they look better than me. I want to be and feel happy inside but I’m sad inside. Their will always be a women with bigger, better breasts and a prettier, smaller nose than me.

I never used to think like this. It only started after meeting and falling head over heels in love with my husband. I never loved anyone or felt anything for anyone before he came along. They were just fly by nights. When I first met my husband, everyone was talking about the love of his life that left him (his ex). He was apparently devastated, his Mom and Sister would bring her up frequently in conversations. This cut through me like a knife. What made her so special? Was it the fact that she was pretty and blonde? I’ve tried going blonde myself a couple of times but he doesn’t like it, he says he prefers me brunette, so I change to brunette, I will do anything for him, if he told me that he likes my head shaved, I would shave it tomorrow. I always ask his opinion before doing things. He says he has never loved anyone like he loves me, why can’t I believe him?

Christmas is coming up and the question is do we spend it with my parents in Langebaan or with his Family (including his cousin). This is eating at me, spending Christmas day with someone I don’t like.

My husband has lived with me for 13 years like this now and I think its time for me to try and do something about it for my families sake and for mine. I don’t like this feeling inside of me anymore and I don’t think he likes being scared of what to do or say in front of me anymore either. Hopefully, I can change. I don’t know how but maybe. I just hope you don’t think I am being stupid, because I know that is how my husband feels and I feel pretty stupid myself.

I want to be strong inside. I don’t want to sit worrying about what my husband is thinking when there is a pretty women. I want to be able to be with my husband and feel strong when there is a pretty women around, I want to be able to act normal and feel proud of myself and how I look.
Answer 407 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Plastic surgery would be a total waste of time and money --- there's nothing wrong with you except the way you think about yourself. CBT style counselling could transform this, and enable you to be happier and content in your relationship, to the benefit of everyone
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