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26 Oct 2006

lack of life
I am a stay at home mom. i have 2 little ones. I find myself totally overwhelmed by what i want to do and need to do that i end up doing nothing and just watch tv most of the day. I dont have a car to get around and we are financially not secure at the moment. I feel so guilty for doing nothing but feed and play with my baby and surf the net when i have some free time... i know looking after kiddies is not the most fun thing in the world , but surely it can be exciting some of the time? Every now and again i get a spurt of energy and totally blow myself away ( like yesterday) but those days are far and few inbetween. Is it unreasonable to want to have excitement and ambition and drive all the time? Are there people like that out there? Over weekends my husband always says " so what are we doing? and i reply with "something fun!"
I have a need to know all the details of everyday and be able to plan my day but with breastfeeding and a toddler that is next to impossible!!! It feels like my dirty little secret that my life seems to go nowhere at a very fast pace! i keep telling myself i am investing this time into my children and most biblical books i read relay that message that children need their mom at home and that children thrive with that. I love my children and i want the best for them but how do i shake this uneasy feeling of doing nothing "great" . I need to know i am doing a good job and i want people to tell me that. I want to be admired and looked up at and be an inspiration to many. How do i get there? From do i have the best of both worlds? aworld where i am present for my children and where i fulfull my destiny??

Here is another issue..
My dad remarried this lady when i was 10. her two children and us made 5 children. To make a loooooooonnnnnnnnggggggg story short , our house was a warzone. A lot of fighting and a lot of hate especially from the children toward the stepmom. She wrote letters ( to herself )wherein she said she didn't like us three etc.
I hated her for a long time for the way she treated my sister and brother and always tried to stick up for them . My question , after all these years , we can visit and have a good afternoon , but i still often think about what happened and her lack of apology and i often have nightmares about her where i fight with her and actually want to kill her in my dreams. How do i get over this? I am totally jealous of the way My dad treats her daughter. The two of them ( Daughter and mother) keep secrets from him and i think that is disgusting. Do i tell my dad? uuuuurrrrrgggghhh! Why is life sooo complicated???
I wrote in a couple weeks back about my real mom and wanting to save her? I dont know if you remember , but i am the same person...hope you can shed some light...
Answer 408 views

01 Jan 0001

it may be reasonable to want to make your life more fulfilling that you feel it is right now --- but contant excitement, etc., isn't a feature of ANYBODY'S life. Raising children well is of coruse something Great to do, and you can do more, as well as that, not instead of it. But it sounds as though you may have been absorbing unwholesome and misleading messages from the TV.
People who do become great enough to be looked up to and admired, don't get there by setting out with that aim in mind ( people who do that are usually sickening, vain and boring ) --- they set out to do something that is worthwhile, and to do it well, and eventually, by doing good things well enough, they may come to be admired. But even then, many of the nicest people who do the best things, don't get the recognition and admiration you might expect.
Maybe seeing a counsellor would help for a start, to clarify realistic and achievable aims, and to work out how to get there from here.
If the three children hated the stopmom ( probably without much good reason ) and made life miserable for her --- what should she apologise for ? IS she the one who actually needs to apologise ?
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