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31 Jan 2006

Life as it is at the moment...
Please consider this as a prayer to you Lord:

Im actually not ok lord. If you ask me what is wrong? I wont be able to tell you.
Its a bunch of confusing emotions that I have and its not going away. I feel so alone and embarresed in this world.

Who am I? Why do things like people relationships go so awfully wrong? Whatever I touch that has to do with a relationship with
another human being, it turns out sour and either I or the other person just wants to spit it out.
Lord, i need some help. I dont have anyone else to talk to. No-one else to understand me and my emotions. I battle to
express myself, my position and my emotions.
I battle to be me cause I dont even know who me is and what I am supposed to be like in this world full of people.
I want someone who i can talk to who won't judge me when i cry out loud or say stupid things. I want someone to understand
me and what Im thinking, which is like impossible probably, cause I dont even know what Im thinking slash feeling slash
Im scared to face this world and to face people. Im embarrased about my condition. Do you know what my condition is? Im
even to embarrased to mention it here to you and myself. So, You, a God that is omnipitent - do you understand my
condition? Is it curable witout counselling?? Well, can you please let me know what I should do? Search for a counsellor
or deal with it how?????
I want to become me the individual, only an individual and not a shadow of anyone else. This is what im doing, will it be the right thing
to ask for space (not meaning not having contact with other people) to sort these issues out. Is it too much to ask that
you will help me succeed in sorting these issues out?? Should I name it to you one by one with fear that someone might
read this and judge me terribly? Fine, here goes what im battling with (not that I know that i will get every issue
spot on, cause as i said, even i am confused about whats going on in my head, i might even be looking at it from the wrong
angle, in which case i ask you to help me find the right angle, or i might be asking the wrong questions...)

1. Im completely unable to form connections with other people
2. I am completely unable to form healthy relationships with other people
3. I am completely unable to take things upon myself socially
4. I dont know who I am
5. I dont know what I am, what im made of or what im supposed to be doing most of the time
6. I feel that even though i do know what im supposed to be doing sometimes that I am unable to do it
7. I am tired of not being able to talk in a social setting, debates, offering my opinion etc.
8. I hate that im not even sure of myself and my own opinions, whether they are valid
9. Im tired of being so tired and lethargic
10. Im tired of being so unmotivated
11. Im tired of not being able to tell whats wrong with me, why am i so socially terrified
12. Why cant i mix with other people - I feel so out of place EVERYWHERE
13. I feel unable to cope with simple tasks and life in general, which is a shame cause you have given me so many blessings
and rewards
14. I hate not being able to have a strong personality and a confident presense, like i need to conform to other peoples
15. Not going to church cause i dont want to bump into some people and Im just scared to sit by myself - the social anxiety
kicks in and i feel paralized, scrutanized and looked at by everyone
16. Hiding myself away
17. Being shy and sounding stupid and dumb
18. Feeling inconfident and like others are more worthy and more "with it" and cool than what i am
19 Being me
20. Wanting to get out of the house to discover who I am, but still living there unable to support myself
21. Not having ANY friends and feeling alone on this planet
22. Feeling incofident and overly ugly when i dont feel perfect
23. My brain often feels foggy and am unable to think and i make stupid mistakes
24. Not having that energy and motivation to read about things to improve my knowledge
25. Being dependant on other people for a social life
26. Being dependant on other people for meaning
27. All my skin rashes
28. The fact that i dont feel able or dont even have hope that these things can and will be sorted out, at least not
anytime soon, which is unfair, cause some people just "get it" and im probably one of those that dont...
29. Not seeing what i do wrong, or feeling able to sort all of these things out - not being so sure of how far you will
strech your hand to help me
30. Not sure of what i can do to feel genuinly happy
31. Not understanding how some people do it - have friends, are happy, go out, make new friends...

I have felt it before, that feeling of being confident and being able to just chat to people and click. Why did i feel it,
why do some people feel it most of the time and i feel it seldom, like maybe only 4 times in my life..
Im too tired to think of how much work all of this might take, it scares me to think that i might have a long hard road
in front of me. I will refuse to take conventional medication, because at least i know i wont be dependant on something else..
I dont want that, but hey, i was not blessed with natural confidence and a strong personality, so do i guess that i should
just live with it???
Answer 437 views

01 Jan 0001

Counselling would, obviously, help, especially CBT. Why ? Because I always recommend that ? ( well, as it is the ONLY established reliably successful, efective and relatively brief form, there's nothing else in the counselling like for me to recomment ) --- but because your prayer so perfectly exemplifies the sort of over-inclusive negative thinking that springs from a long experience of problems, and then causes a further series of problems. For instance --- you are not "completely unable" to do the various things you list. Maybe it'd be accurate to say "I have not so far been able", but that's both more accurate and significantly different. You talk of "not being able to have" confidence --- you don't so far have confidence. You're so busy closing so many doors, of course you'd feel miserable, if you believe what you're saying here.
Youre doing far better with comments lime "not sure of what I could do to X".
You've written, here, an awesome description of How You Feel, not of How you are, let alone how you are doomed to be. Everything you mention hear can change, working with the right counsellor
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