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26 Jan 2006

LIFE? When is it over, I'm ready to die
I'm only 16 and I've came from a very long way. When I was growing up between the ages of 4-7 my mother got married to some guy and I saw my father every weekend or so. I was never really happy living with my mom and her husband. He hated me, that guy...I never knew why but he used to beat me for singing songs or playing with my toys or even if my room wasn't clean. I was an only child and I couldn' t help if my daddy spoiled me. One day coming home from school I had on a pretty little skirt outfit my daddy bought. It was red and beige with little red apples on it. I felt proud to wear it but my mama told me not to tell her husband my daddy bought it, but to lie about it and say she did if he asked. I did. He said "you're lying!" and he beat me until my frail body got so bruised it bled (he did that often). He made me change my clothes and go into him and my mom's room. He laid on the bed naked and made me perform oral sex on him. I was only 6 or 7 and I was too afraid to rebell. He made me put lotion on it, Keri lotion, I can still remeber the taste. I never told anyone until five years later, at 12. Now when I read my old diaries I wrote from 11and up, its clear that I've tried numerous ways to kill myself and almost suceeded once. I still try to do it from time to time and I think its because I always keep things locked up and its so hard to even deal with few of the simplest things, I'm involved in a serious on and off 9 month relationship, school and getting into my dream college stresses me out, I'm a prospective med student that hates chemistry. I don't think I have a problem I just cant deal with life's struggles from time to time and I get discouraged. I think that love is overrated and living in such a cold and miserable world is too. If the knives in our house weren't so dull, I would try to cut my wrist, nobody would miss me, at least not for a while...
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01 Jan 0001

rachel, don't cut anything and don't harm yourself in any way. ( I hated chemistry too, by the way ). Make sure you get to see a good local shrink for a proper assess,emt and treatment to get through this and beyond it. Sorry to hear about your sad post, but because a horrible person treated yopu so badly, doesn't mean that you should punish yourself for what he did. Work with your therapist, and when you are feeling more confident, you can report everything to the right authorities, with the help of your therapist, and make sure he is dealt with properly by the system and that he is required to pay for his criminal activities towards you. Don't let him off the hook --- protect yourself and strengthen yourself.
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