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14 Sep 2011

Men that don''t get the message
Hi CS,
I am actually doing relatively well considering all things. My life is on track to some degree and I have control but the guy I had/have in my life is trying to disrupt this. I had a restraining order against him, but he helped a friend of mine when she needed to get away from her better/worse half, but she was only using us, thereby I mean she made it possible for him to find a way into my life again. I tried, rather futilely not to allow it, but it happened. I am also moving homes and not taking anyone with me, my home has been a " afpak plek"  for many, they always seem to think I will take care of them and I never get paid rent or anything, so now that is at an end.

This man, even though I have told him countless times that I don''t want him to stay over and I don''t want our relationship to go beyond friendship as yet, he takes advantage of me, he knows the medication I take is strong and knocks me out, thus making me vulnerable. He said''s he wants to be there for me to make sure I am okay, sometimes it seems that way, but not always. I have woken up to find him doing the unthinkable and he doesn''t think he is doing anything wrong because he loves me. I have told him to leave and have chased him away and asked him to leave me alone, he has said we will be getting engaged soon and will be married in the next year or so.
My psychologist had suggested I should have put a prerequisite on letting the restraining order go and that was that he go to rehab, he thought this was absolutely absurd, however when he is around I drink, he drinks a lot and is a bully. He expects me to stop caring for the people I care about and focus fully on him, he is/should be the only person in my life other than my children.
Am I the one that is wrong, because he does take care of me in the sense of helping to purchase stuff, like cat food, dog food, etc. and then cooking for me and so forth, but it feels like I owe him? I am very tired.
Is it me that is at fault or this man?
Answer 371 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

How do you manage to so carefully select losers who will ctreate havoc in your life, each time ?
And what was the point of getting a restraining order, and then failing to use it to restrain him ? You did NOT need to allow him back into your life, and you don't need to keep him there, and you dont need to keep imagining that its somehow your responsibility to solve the problems he creates for himself, as well as those he always creates for you.
Bravo if you can keep to yopur new resolution that the new place will be a place of refuge SOLELY for you alone, and not for the gormless of the world.
Anyone who takes advantage of you in the way you descibe him as doing, is vile. Tell him you've relented too often, and you will now put the restraining order back in place and ruthlessly enforce it. Let him be gormless, you be ruthless. Have the police remove him and arrestbhim every single time he arrives at your place ( I hope you haven't told him where the new place is ) or contacts you. And make sure the Restraining order is suitably renewed and extended and revised.
I cannot understand how any pychologist should have encouraged you to continue to indulge this guy or to let the restraining order go - that's simply really bad advice, and potentially dangerous advice.
He is continuing to exploit you, and to persuade you that it is your fault when he misbehaves, ruinds your health, and encourages you to act against your own best interests. So long as you continue to allow him in your life, in any role whatever, we really have nothing more to talk about

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