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24 May 2004

My brother wont pay me back !
I'm in a difficult situation here . I lent my brother a huge some of money a while last year after he promised to give it back to me asap. Unfortunately for me I never asked what " asap" meant , no specifics were discussed , he is my brother anyway. Now it's 2004 and he does'nt really say anything about the money. He is on contract and his contract will be expiring in 3 months time and I desperately need my money. My husband is not happy about the fact that I cannot confront him and he wanted to confront him himself, and I objected.I felt that I need to do it myself because I'm family. when my brother asked for money , he asked both of us and we agreed and I borrowed him the monye from my savings. I'm not a confrontational type of person and I cant confront him.His daughter is now pregnant and the daughter depends on him , she's not working . I need to do some necessarily major renovations at my house but I cant because we put it off until we get the money from my brother. My roof is leaking , geyser faulty, paint is peeling off and these things need to be done asap but we cant . When I talk to him I'd tell him that we dont have money and I'll tell him about the problems we have that needs fixing. Belive me , he'll sympathise with us as if he's a real shrink. He'll go like " Shame Beanie I can understand things are really bad for you right now and you need the money to fix this and that " and he'll start telling me about his own problems , his daughter hospital bills, clothes for the coming baby, contract expiring etc. And I end up sympathising with him and I wont pursue the matter any more. I dont want to sound like I dont care about my brother but I really need my money. To to top it all , he and his wife are going on a trip to the Vic falls to unload . Geez , where do they get money for such luxury, and they dont hide it from us that they are going on this trip. I dont even feel happy for them I'll be thinking " You could have used the *%$ money to pay us " And we're supposed to say "Bon Voyage !" My husband and I dont see eye to eye, he's my brother and I dont confront him and he wants to confront him. I dont want the family relationship to be spoilt what should we do. We even decided to sell some of our stuff at home to get money for renovations . Please help and remmber that I care for my brother and dont want to spoil our brotherhood and friendship but we need our money.At the same time I feel that my husband does not care about any relationship with my brother as he's not family.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

hello Beanie,
You need to explain to your brother that His problems are HIS problems, not yours, and that by not paying back the large loan promptly, he is adding his problems to yours, which is unkind and improper. Don't waste time sympathising with him, explain your situation, and why you need the loan repaid As Soon As Possible, and say that you haven't the time to listen to his problems, until you have solved your own, and those of your own family.
If they can afford the Vic Falls trip, they CA afford to repay you --- that's a total luxury, and it's obscene for him to waste money on such a trip when he owes money to you and your family.
Confronting him and telling him to pay his debt before spending on a luxury holiday is not "spoiling" your brotherhood --- it is HE who has spoilt it by being wasteful, greedy amd selfish. By protecting him from having to face the reality of the trouble he is choosing to cause to others, you are helping him to become more realistic.
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