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04 Oct 2006

Partner forever undecided
Hi CS and all
My partner of six months has a serious problem making decisions. He decides one thing and the next day changes it. E.g. as he moved into my flat in March this year, he told me that it's not right to stay in a woman's place. He then went out to find an architect to draw him a house and bought a stand. From day one he showed me the plans and allocation of rooms (I have a 4yr-old and he's got a 2yr old boy staying with the mother). He was excited about this and the house will be complete in Dec. We had a few fights since he bought this house and one day he will tell me that he wants to stay on his own because he is a problem to me and my child. Just a week ago he told me that we will all be moving in together and he wants to marry me. Now he has changed again and said he is going to sell the house. My excitement about the house has faded because he is unreliable. It's not only relationship matters he cannot make decisions on. Last month he told me that from next year he wants to study further. Since I work at a university I managed to register him and find him documentation. Just last night he said he no longer wants to study but wants to start a business and wants me to he his partner. Then he calls me this morning and says business can wait and maybe he wants to study again. Everything about him is undecided. Even when we are in the restaurants, he would order this, cancel and re-order and the poor hostess will be on her feet for about 30 minutes before he makes up his mind. I don't know CS, could it be his upbringing? He doesn't have parents and enrolled himself at the university with the money he made selling peanuts and sweets in the trains. He even had a tuck shop when he was 17. Same as his temper and moods. He gets angry and goes silent for days without saying what's wrong. He is not a ladies man and extremely shy and quiet, always in the house reading motivational books. He is also extremely socio-phobic and lives in isolation. On the other hand, I am extremely outgoing but I do accommodate him. Do I have a problem here?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

A guy as indecisive and vacillating as that would certainly fail in any attempt at his own business. he has succeeded remarkab;y well in situations in which many others would have failed, but needs to attend to this indecisiveness before starting his own business, which might then do really well.
Whatever made him this way --- maybe he's just lacking confidence in himself, with low self-esteem --- what would help most would be CBT-style counselling to boost his self-esteem and confidence.
AIn addition, would be perhaps agree to join you in relationship counselling, which could benefit both of you ?
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