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05 Jun 2004

Picking up the pieces of a broken heart
I'd been dating a guy for a year when he suddenly stopped phoning. He left me a message saying, "I need time to think, I'm falling in love with you and it's scaring me. Also, you're still young and our relationship is very premature. Things are just happening too quickly." Premature?? What the -?" I'm only 3 yrs younger than him, and when he said things are happening too quickly, I assume it was because we came so close to having sex. He knew I was a virgin. My pride got in the way and I broke up with him when he took too long phone back with an explanantion. Do you think he was sincerely scared of falling in love with me? He'd been hurt in a previous relationship. Also, if he was just using me, he would have waited a bit longer cos I was willing to give up my virginity to him. Anyway, it's now 8 months later and I'm still drowning in a pit of depression and loneliness. How does one get over this worthless feeling? How do I get closure without seeming like I'm running after him, especially as it didn't seem like he was ever gonna phone me again? I want an explanation, and I want the hurt to go away. I'm sick of crying myself to sleep every night.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

You know, hb, the fact that in the age of cell-phones and SMS, it is POSSIBLE to contact each other quickly, doesn't mean that rapid responses are now compulsory. From the sound of what you describe, he was probably not merely using you, he could be concerned about your feelings, and maybe he means what he says -- perhaps he actually feels unsure as to whether he can honestly offer you the degree of committment you should expect. If so, it's far better that you both face this now, rather than later. But as he hasn't got back to you in 8 months, this really and truly sounds as if it's over. Most of your hurt arises because you are still expecting everything to turn out happilly in this relationship, and are mourning the loss of this specific dream. While clinging to this dead relationship, you have been preventing yourself from either getting over and beyond this one, and from moving on and finding far better relationships. Let it go.
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