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03 May 2004

pls help I'm ruining my own marriage
I've been with my fiance for 2 years now , we are staying together.Got engaged about 6 months ago.We have a 2 year old daughter who stays with us, we had a nanny who's been looking after her since birth. I've always had a nanny to help me even when I was on maternity leave. Life has been easy with a live in nanny. We recenlty bought a house - our own dream house.The excitement of staying in oour own house was overwhelming,we wanted to enjoy ourselves and feel it's our house. We decided to take our daughter to a creche (very close by) and release the nanny.So it's been the first time since my daughter was born that we stayed without a nanny.It was rosy in the beginning but it started taking toll on me.we wanted our privacy.bcoz our nanny had a habit of waking up and go to the loo whenever she hears that " something" is happening in our bedroom. So sex was restricted and we wanted to be free . It was really nice , we'd sleep in the garden ,get really "creative" in the weirdest of all places.This was exciting until I realised that things were getting hectic. I had to wake up , bath our daughter,feed her,take her to creche & I 'll go to work.I have a really stressing job, dealing with dying people,my colleagues are also renowned gossip mongers, they dont like me. They gossip about everything about me.I'm a proffesional woman, well educated and I keep to myself.They are dying to know more about me but I dont give them a gap ,I'm approachable,courteous but do not reveal much about my private life.When I hear about all the things they say , I've really considered quitting my job many a times.With this work stress, I get back home,need to clean the house, tidy it , cook the food,bath my daughter , feed her and get her to sleep,wash the dishes,iron clothes for the following day ,make lunch boxes etc. Mind you I'm also a part time student. As soon as my daughter sleeps , I try studying but then by that time, I'm drained.My fiance arrives very late because he's also studying by the time he arrives it will be late and everything taken care of. He helps and shares the chores with me when he's around but he cant always be there to assist. He leaves at 5h00am and arrives at 20h30pm.The problem is that since we moved into the house , he complained to me 3 times about my lack of affection , not iniating sex etc. Last night I cried thinking that maybe I cant adequtely meet his needs and my fear is that he'll go somewhere else to look for that "wild tiger" in the bedroom. I just dont feel like sex he has to initiate it all the time . I really love this guy and dont want to lose him ovr petty things.And dont even think that I've fallen ut of love with him , I love him to bits,but I just dont have the libido. He does'nt seem to understand that the workload and other stressors can influence my sexual life . Ek weet nie wat om te doen nou.He keeps on remind me of those days about 3 years ago before we even had a kid, the affection I showed and the good times we had. How could we still have those good times when now have a daughter and I have so much work load. Am I being unreasonable here?
Answer 352 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Lindsy,
Can't help feeling it might have been easier either to have the nanny sleep in another part of the house, mor to install soundproofing in your bedroom or hers ! Seriously, though, couldn't you just hire a less nosy nanny ? They must surely exist. OK, many women manage a similarly stressful and responsible job, AND the household chores and child-care, but we're not all the same type of superwoman / superman.
It also sounds as if both of you may be taking on just a bit more than you can comfortably manage right now --- can any of the tasks be postponed at all, or re-arrranged so as to be less onerous ? Talk this through with your fiancee as you can both surely understand each other's predicament.
You're not being at all unreasonable in expecting him to be a bit more understanding. I might suggest thinking of some mariage counselling, but from the sound of it you two might never find the time !
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