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24 Apr 2003

Self-destruct mode
Oh God help me. I've been trying to destroy myself for many years - committing suicide, taking overdoses, taking enormous amounts of cocaine and heroin and crack and ecstacy. This behaviour subsided for some time when I met the man of my dreams. I've been in love with him for more than a year, and finally he admitted that he was falling for me to. I was there when he tried to commit suicide, when he had nothing to live for, and when his boyfriend left him. So, naturally I thought the two of us would come together. But no, I left for a holiday in Cape Town for a week, and when I returned, everything was all of a sudden just fabulous between the two of them, leaving me in the lurch - but I was begged to still stay friends with the guy I'm love with. Now recently, he's been rubbing it in my face that he's got a boyfriend and that I don't, and that I can never have him because things are going so well between him and his boyfriend. I gave this guy everything. I organised him a job, i gave him money, i gave him more than i could give. I gave him everything i had and now he just stabs me in the back. Everyone says he's just after me because of my father's money, but I never believe them. So obviously now, my self-destructive behaviour has escalated. I'm snorting as much cocaine and taking as many sleeping tablets as I possibly can and I drink myself stupid. I'm also hurting myself physically. I cut and bruise myself. I'd fall down a flight of stairs on purpose or break a glass and try and cut myself with the pieces. I don't know why I'm doing this, but It's as if it makes the pain inside better. Pain outside relieves pain inside??? It's also that the drugs numb out the tremendous pain I feel everyday. This isn't all the pain I have to deal with. I've been through many abusive and destructive relationships. And to top it all off I was sexually abused as a child and was gang raped 2 years ago in Cape Town. I need help, but I've been to psychologists and psychiatrists - they can't help me. They do nothing for me. What can I do I'm going insane, and I feel as though the only way out of all this turmoil and punishment and pain in suicide. I use cocaine because it's the only thing I have left to hang on to. It's the only thing that makes me feel I'm still alive.
Answer 328 views

01 Jan 0001

Dear plrb,
I suspect you might receive some rather unkind responses from some other readers. I understand what you're talking about ; including this otherwise puzzling situation of inflictng pain on oneself physically in an attempt to relieve a more inner, psychical pain. The fact is that this complex mix of psychological and physical and drug-related problems, can only be prperly dealt with by a psychiatrist, and a very good one at that. Presumably, if your family is wealthy, they should be able to pay for that. But what may have limited the usefulness of that approach in the past, is a factor that money can't buy --- the issue of whether you sincerely and actively cooperate with the shrink, in a determined effort to clear up all the mess that has accumulated over the years.
Sometimes it is more difficult for poor little rich boys to accept treatment and work constructively with it --- one can have come to rely on Daddy and Daddy's money to solve problems, not expecting to have to do the actual work oneself. One can afford expensive hobbies like coke, and to indulge in them as a way to avoid actually facing facts and dealing with problems.
OK, so the man of your dreams turned out to be a nightmare --- so, wrong dream, wrong man. Now he's behaving cruelly --- who bother to continue to give him the opportunity to do that ? Why indulge in a masochistic relaionship that enables him to continue hurting you ? Toss him aside, and concentrate on getting your act tidied up a great deal. When you can get your head clear, and handle the simple things of life on your own, with the advice and help of an expert shrink ; you'll be in a position to have better dreams, and find better friends, worthy of an actual friendship.
Don't give this louse anything more. You can't buy friends ; money just helps you socially to meet more experiences lice.
Turn again, Dick Whittington --- shrinks can he helpful, but look at the words you use : "They can't help me. They do nothing for me". It's not their job to do things for you -- they're expert advisors, not servants. They can help you to help yourself, but you have to do the work, so the good results belong to you, and so that you develop the necessary skills. You can do it, and clean up all of this, and find a way of actual life that is worthwhile, and valuable to yourself and others. If you've got the guts to let yourself work on it. I hope you will.
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