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22 Jun 2004

self harm
hi everyone

I used to cut myself. havent cut myself in about 5 months. The reason i did it was because to me it was easier to deal with physical pain than emotional pain. I stopped crying when i was 14 years old and i literally didnt cry for almost 4 years. laughing and smiling all the time made me emotionally and physically exhausted becasue i was always playing a "role" . I hate showing emotion i felt like i had noone i could trust because if i told my mom something she would tell my dad and my grandparents , if i told my sister she would tell my mom and my brother was just little.

my mom always tells me her problems, so on many levels i feel as tho IM the mom I tell her when shes had too much to drink or when she needs to eat or go to bed if she is tired. so ontop of my problems that i kept to myself i had her problems to worry about as well. The i met my husband and for once in my life i could tell someone something and know he would understand and not judge me and keep it to himself! The last time i cut myself i really wanted to just die. My husbands little 8 year old brotehr was staying with us and he asked this child to come and live with us when he was older. a couple of days before he had told me that he didnt want children and i was devastated. he didnt want to have children with me but he didnt mind having someone elses child come and live with us! ontop of that the child hates me, he sees me as the person stealing all of his brothers love and attention. i wrote the word DIE on the top of my leg with a piece of broken glass and i felt so much better. it was so calming . my husband asked me a few nights later what happened to my leg and luckily by that time the words were illegible so they just looked like random scraches. I told him i was playing with our cats and it got a little rough. we talked about the child issue later and he said that he didnt mean he didnt want children ever he just didnt want them now. that was when i realised that i was just wallowing ijn self pity! I felt so selfish. i had phsically bled because i was to afraid to just communicate!! so i havent cut myself since and i feel good. on the public holiday that just passed my hubby and i spent the day at home and the whole day we just asked each other questions, about sex and love and relationships and i feel so much closer to him now. i know he feels the saem cos on saturday night he got a little drunk and he told me that since hes drunk and you "always tell the truth" when your drunk he wants me to know that he loves me and ever since the Q&A the other day ive been in all of his thoughts and fantasies. i thought it was very sweet!

ANYWAY! I wrote all of this to maybe try and help some of the people who think that cutting is the answer. Yes i know it makes you feel better but wouldnt you rather just be heard and understood?
Answer 232 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Hi Buffs,
Congratulations on the excellent progress you two have made ! And thanks for providing such an excellent example of the advantages of concentrating on improving communication rather than resorting the to quick fix of cutting, with its disadvantages and brief beneficial effects.
And thanks, folks, glad to know I can be of help ; and that I have managed to build this Forum into a place where people can exchange advice and support, rather than purely a Q and A facility.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
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