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02 May 2004

Sexstrated, please help
Dear Cybershrink
I'm a 24 year old guy and still a virgin. For the last couple of months I'm so sexually frustrated. I think the whole time about sex. When I talk to women I have to force myself to keep eye contact otherwise I stare at their breasts and groin. I also have to watch my mouth not to start talking about sex, but then I just want to start telling sex jokes. Being disabled also does not help to make it easier. due to this fact I don't meet many women because I can't go out often. I keep going to chatrooms but this just make my hormones go wild. I have eaven considered getting a prostitute or going to a brothel, but being scared of AIDS/HIV and not having money I still have the urge and problem. Please help me with advice on what to do?
Thanx in advance.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear CPTguy,
Hmm. Excellent question, more widely relevant than many readers might think. It'll be interesting to se what our regular readers have to comment, if they've yet recovered from the surfeit of holidays this month.
Let's put the disabled aspect to one side for a moment. There are rather a lot of horny men and women around the world --- whether we happen socially to be in a relationship which enables us to have access to regular and satisfying sexual activity doesn't correlate with us being ready, willing and able to do so. Hence all the unrequited lust. Many use masturbation as a way of relieving the pressure, some are able to sublimate their sexual energies into their work, though it probably requires a rather special job to enable us to find that a worthwhile option !
As you imply, being unsatisfied may leave you rather preoccupied with sexual thoughts, and this doesn't help --- turning into a Durty Young Man or a Dirty Old Man, staring at women, or delivering smutty jokes, is VERY rarely any sort of turn-on for them, and thus spoils your chances of forming a real relationship with any who notice this, quite apart from the spectre of complaints of sexual harrassment !
What most folks decide, is to cool it as regards the public direct expression of their sexual fevers, and to concentrate instead on developing friendships ( with women, in your case ) so that a sexual relationship might in time develop from an emotional and friendly relationship.
Returning to the disability aspect, I ecognized early in my career, as I was taught by several great patients and friends of mine, that the world at large, including the medical and psychological professions, ignored the fact that however difficult it can be for an ordinary randy young man or woman to find a sexual partner, it was a thousand times more difficult for someone with any form of disability. Indeed, we eventually founded a professional journal dealing with sexuality and disability, to encourage study of this question, and to work towards greater understanding of it. This has proably helped somewhat, but it is still a hugely negleced area of concern.
You haven't mentioned what type of disability you have, though obviously this influences its impact on the development of your sex life. There are a wide range of disabilities --- some impact directly on one's abilities to perform sexually in the usual ways, though with ingenuity and a willing partner, a great deal can be done to devise ways to function with excellent mutual enjoyment. Other disabilities mainly reduce your freedom of movement, which makes the usual social contacts more difficult --- gymns and clubbing may be just impractical.
Where there are any specific limitations or difficulties directly related to your disability, it'd be worth seeking the advice of a sex therapist to work on technique modifications that'd suit you.
Otherwise, I suppose the solution lies in the same route as that for any non-disabled guy --- work on developing friendships and relationships.
As you very sensibly decided, resorting to brothels and prostitution may not be a great idea. I don't know about the current state of the market, but I'd expect it would be expensive, especially if you were looking for a better class of partner and better standard of health precautions.
How would our readers advise CPTguy ? And please, none of the sarcastic flaming one or two infantile readers occasionally indulge in !





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