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23 Jan 2006

Sick and tired of my own self, such a looser
Dear CS,

Ok so I thought I would write you a long soppy story of what I think is wrong with me, instead I've realised that I don't have the physical nor mental energy to do so. See things are becoming so hectic that I can not keep up. No, I doubt if it is full blown depression, more in the lines of total burn-out. And I really mean it when I say this. I can just not continue anymore, mentally I am drained and physically I have to force myself to exercise only to be injured before a big race. Sprained my ankle, but despite that force myself to carry on. Don't know why though...not gaining anything.

It is just becoming to much and it feels though my existence is a mere robotic existence with no feelings, emotions or reactions. I'm experiencing more blackouts again lately, like this morning. I don't have a clue how I got to work. At times everything around me turns all white and grey and am I afraid that it is only a matter of time before mind and body shuts down simultaneously ... people are starting to pick up on this and I feel like an idiot being in total denial.

I know, phone the shrink, but I feel like I will be a burden to him or my GP. I am too scared of what they will think of me and what my family will say again. I think they are so sick and tired to hear these kind of yackity, yack all the time. I just can't take it anymore, Can't get leave now, working myself into a coma. Work, work and more work, somewhere in-between I fit in some sleep even if it is only two hours like this morning. Even after taking a sleeping tablet last night (23:00) I was still awake at 03:00am eventually dozed off and was up and about at 05:30am again. I refuse to eat anymore and again proves my robotic existence. I find no pleasure in anything I do anymore. I just want to sleep...go into a deep sleep and when I awake someone will tell me it was only a dream. Actually a nightmare.

Coming down with a terrible head-ache at the moment, so I'll stop yacking...

Answer 597 views

01 Jan 0001

Hi Lonestar,
Burnout is a very real problem. But at least, in order to burnout, you must have been a bright spark at some stage ! I used to be highly expert at ankle spraining --- managed to do it on so many important occasions, having unstable ankles, I turned to more sedentary pursuits. But that must have been awfully disappointing for you.
I don't like the sound of those blackouts --- your doc needs to know about them and ceck up on them, maybe run an EEG ? And hey, you won't be a burden to your shrink or GP --- can you imagine how lonely and poor they'd be if nobody burdened them ? That's what they're there for.
Depression so typically includes Anhedonia, the loss of pleasure in whatever pleases you. As is sleeping difficulties. GEt it worked on, don't ignore it, and EAT. YOu can enjoy it later, but for the meantime, just eat.
And any chance of taking a break, even a clear weekend of rest and self-pampering ?
+\Be totally fit and healthy in every way, and with disturbed sleep and no food, and you'll feel awful. Xanor an its family are very sedative, especially in some of us.
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