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06 Feb 2006

So tired
Dear CS, I don't know what to do.
A while ago I posted a question regarding my fiancees ex moving in with his mother.
Thing is that it's been 4 months now and I can't help that I'm riddled with fear that he's going to leave me or have second thoughts.

For a long time I've put on this brave face that all is fine and that I don't mind that she's around but I do. I care a lot. And it's not that I'm scared so much that he's gonna leave me FOR her but I've got this ex in my face everytime I see his mom.
His mom hasn't really helped the situtation to be honest. She raves about his ex's "devine, amazing, gorgeous" new boyfriend whose apparently a model and it hurts us both so much. The other day she told us over dinner that this 18 year old ex of his is her soul mate. Hello? What is this woman trying to prove?

Now I've come to the point where I'm sick and tired of feeling insecure, funnily I chat to the ex when she answers my mom in laws home phone. She's 18 for God's sake. I'm 24 and I have all his love and commitment. I put up with the mother of his child. She's no threat to me.
Surely this is about abandonment ? I mean I dream everynight that he's going to leave me or take her side?
We broke up for 24 hours when we first started going out, he just left me, just like that. Gone. And then when I packed up and left myself he begged me to return because he had "cold feet" and he's never let me go since.

What do I do CS, where is this coming from? Is this root issues? Is this because my ex was an alcoholic who went on binges and left me alone for 3/4 days on end? Is this deeper like when my dad left us for another woman?

I don't want to ever lose what I have with the love of my life, my soul mate, but I'm scared and so is he, that I might have enough and walk away. I'll never leave him, never. I'd rather die.
Today I'm at work, crying like a baby, my bosses haven't said anything to me, but my eyes are all red and I look like crap.
I had another bad dream lastnight, in fact I woke up having a panic attack. Please advise. I'm going insane here.

~Wings~
Answer 382 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Hello again ~Wings~
That relationship between his mother, besotted with his ex, sounds increasingly sick, and the "soul-mate" myth supports this view. She is also showing excruciatingly bad manners and callousness in doing this, knowing that it will hurt both of you, and in forcing it upon you.
There may be many deeper reasons why you fel insecure, but there are excellent reasons realistically on the surface as well. Why don't you and he get involved in mariage / relationship counselling, eg through FAMS,< and work on these issues --- including making a sound plan TOGETHER to deal with his mother's ugly damage to your relationship. Maybe she needs to be told that she knows that her adoration of this nasty young lady is hurtful to both of you, and that you will neither of you see her at her home if that other woman is there ; and will not meet with her unless that woman is left out of the conversation. Soul-mate ? Is she planning to marry the girl ? It is SHE who is being immature about this, and she who needs to get over her obscene glee at having found a tool with which to disturb your relationship.
As for him, there's much more he needs to do, but he has had more than enough opportunities to leave you, such that this establishes that he does not want to leave.
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